As you can guess from this chapter, this chapter will involve lots and lots of running. Those of you who can relate to the brains of the famed Sherlock Holmes, who deduced things which could not be deduced from somewhat negligible attributes of a person, would deduce from the title that it involves lots of running, hypothetical or not, to some bad places and some good.
If you think this, please refer to the seventh chapter entitled “Mr and Mrs Wrinkles (and their elderly enthusiastic escapades)” and read the first section. Shame on you and your assumptions. Tut tut.
Back to the vast desert of Antarctica, we find our travellers talking about what they should do next.
“We have to find a lava lamp for me to drink!” Helen told everyone.
“That’s what she said =o” Carver said
“Carver that makes no sense.” Helen glared at him “This is no time for immature jokes.” Before Helen cracked up and proceeded to laugh for exactly three minutes and fourteen seconds, before Carver and her shared a passionate hug,
“Right so we need to find a lava lamp.” Ben wrote that down on his list of things Helen and he had to do. “What else?”
“We need to get rid of that Sammy.” The man baby told the rest, pointing at the whale shark who was napping on some ice.
“NO” Bobolous shouted. “I don’t want her gone. She’s lovely. I know it. Just a bitch.”
“We need to do something about her though. Put that on the list, Ben” Ben did exactly what the man baby requested, writing in the book of shadows.
“bbz we need 2 cam” Mrs Wrinkles pitched in.
“We Have to get this cambot out of Mrs Wrinkles. Seriously, it’s annoying me.” The man baby went on to say, met by giggles from Ben and Helen.
“NO!” Mr Wrinkles jumped up and gave everybody evils, boring deep into their souls. A look of such hatred that you could almost see fire exiting his eyes, “I mean… yes of course.” Mr Wrinkles obviously liked the advances his wife had been making.
The list grew longer and longer. Eventually, they had all come to an agreement over what should be done. An hour later, the list looked like this:
Find a Lava Lamp for Helen to drink
Get rid of Sammy
Make the cambot spirit exit into the universe it belongs
Find the south pole
Try not to let the world run out of pizzazz
Figure out what to do next
The list of course was nowhere near good enough. None of them knew how they would do what they got to the South Pole. They assumed that they must improvise, and hope things go well.
You must remember that this is a biography and not a novel. If it was a novel you would assume the ending to be uplifting or to leave you thinking about issues such as life. However, this is a biography so may or may not end up going horrifically wrong. You may also take note that this is a biography of future events. The writers are psychic, after all.
The group decided that they must go on to find the lava lamp which Helen would drink in order to save the world. The lava lamp industry does not flourish in the lands of the south. This is partly because of the lack of electricity and partly because penguins lack the part of the brain that services for those who like lava lamps. The part that works overtime in the minds of Ben and Helen.
Time was precious for these eight legendary characters (the majority not being of totally human backgrounds.) and Sammy, of course.
“Where oh where can we find a lava lamp around here?” Helen asked everyone.
“My senses are not tingling.” Ben said, upset.
“=o” Carver exclaimed “LOOK”
It was a pure miracle. Somehow, out of nowhere, they saw a huge store in the distance. “Lava Lamps “R” Us” Every face lit up, and biscuit ran quicker than she should be able to up to the main entrance, soon to be followed by the rest, except Sammy and Mrs Wrinkles, who stayed where they were to have a debate about the meaning of life. Mrs Wrinkles argued a fairly convincing case for the meaning of life the be camming, and somewhat convinced Sammy of this.
“OH MY GOSH I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!” Ben ran up to the entrance, to hit the door made of glass and continue to collapse onto the icy floor.
“You silleh Ben. You open it.” Helen went on to push open the dangerous glass door. But it did not open. Looking to her right, Helen saw a “Closed Monday to Sunday” sign.
“Oh DAMN” the man baby shouted.
“Well that sucks” Carver grumbled. “And the walls are made of the best ice in town so we can’t break in.”
The pizzazz seemed to have flowed out of all of those outside the store that day, desperate to know what to do. “Meow” Biscuit purred “It seems that the pizzazz is flowing out of us because the secondary absorbing force is not within a close enough radius to us.”
Biscuit was quite right. Mrs Wrinkles was not close enough and they were losing their pizzazz at the normal rate one thousand fold.
“RUN” Carver screamed. The group sprinted at record pace to get to Mrs Wrinkles. Each one was in dreadful fear and could feel the forces of pizzazz being slowly drained from them each step. Carver, being the fittest, picked up Helen and carried her to run directly into Mrs Wrinkles.
“You guys are so lame” Sammy said, not losing any of her pizzazz because of her proximity to the old lady. “And stupid. You suck. Look at you pathetically running because you’re scared of growing up to spend each evening wanting nothing but water and bread. Stupid. Hah.”
“SHUT UP BIIIIIIIIIIITCH” Ben was next to come running in screaming insults and jumping on top of Helen and Carver and Mrs Wrinkles who were now on the floor.
The man baby followed very soon, alongside Bobolous. But in the distance a frail old man was walking at the record pace of a ninety year old snail. Of course, now they were by Mrs Wrinkles, but they needed to be by both att he same time in order to not lose pizzazz.
“Well paint me purple” Helen screamed, before running up to Mr Winkles, picking him up and throwing him on the pile of pizzazz lusting animals and people.
They decided they could not afford for this to happen again, so must take extra precautions when running enthusiastically. But they were desperate for the lava lamp and did not know where one could be found.
*NOTE - Yes I lied in the first paragraph. There is running in this chapter. Like I said, stop assuming. Tut tut.*
“I need a poop” Sammy declared “I haven’t been in ages. I think I’m constipated or something.”
“thanks for sharing with us…” Bobolous told her.
“Here you go, try these.” The man baby handed Sammy some laxatives, which she then swallowed ungratefully.
The sight was one to behold. The female whale shark did not go away to hide. She did not tell anyone to look away. Outside of a hole from her backside came a scrambled mess.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEW” Or words to a similar effect, everyone said. With the exception of Mrs Wrinkles who demanded credit card details.
“WOW. That was immense. Felt like there was a bloody lava lamp up there”
“What do you mean?” Ben asked.
“I don’t know, sweetening. It just felt like the shape of a lava lamp coming out of my… teehee buttocks!” Sammy’s face turned angelic and she giggled with glee. Obviously whatever lava lamp shaped object had been stuck up her backside, it was making her grumpy.
Ben then did the unholy task of walking over to the mess to have a closer look. Lo and behold, in the pile of defecation was a lava lamp. Helen looked on in sheer horror as Ben picked it out with a stick.
“No way.”
“Yes way!” Carver and Bobolous burst into a fit of laughter.
“There is no way I am drinking that” Helen sighed, knowing what she had to do. “Why oh why is fate so cruel to me?” This was a rhetorical question, but fate was so cruel to Helen that day because she does not have control over what happens in this chapter.
Meanwhile, Sammy looked over at Bobolous. “Oh my goodness gracious.” She blushed. “I can’t believe how utterly awful I have been to such a sweet, delectable young man in recent days.” Bobolous blushed. “And I followed you here simply because you slightly annoyed me.” Sammy, of course, was still suffering symptoms form the lave lamp up her butt situation, so soon slipped back into old habits. “You. Little shrimp face. YOU were perving on fabulous me. How dare you treat me like an animal. SHAME ON you, you lovely cutey little raspberry pie thing.”
Bobolous, although confused, could for the first time see through Sammy’s horrific exterior secondary to the lava lamp situation, and could see that deep down, her heart was as warm as the sun that day. The sun in a warm place of course, because it was awfully cold down in Antarctica.
Helen couldn’t care if the whale shark was now nice or if it had given her a lucky twist of fate. She still thought it was disgusting.
“How on earth did you get a lava lamp up there, Sammy?” Carver asked, curiously. To be met by a blushing and sheepish face.
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