Chapter One (and seventeen eighteenths)

Down the many flights of stairs into the cellar of  Bobolous Olgart Orangette Briar Saint’s childhood home sat the dictionary. Anyone may be able to make an intelligent guess that the cellar was where numerous things were thrown into; broken, ruined and no longer used. Inside this dictionary, among the many words which would and would not be used by Bobolous in his later years can be found the definition of the word “chapter”

“Chapter - A major or large division within a major or large block of text. Chapters may… crack and often split.”

Of course, this definition made no sense. It was unknown to Bobolous that The words “Chapter” and “Chapped” had become somewhat intertwined when he was just a young whale shark using his clumsy untrained fins to cut and stick the dictionary around. Thus the new definition of chapter was born. I must honour this when writing about the life of such an infamous creature. That is why, if you wonder, this chapter in the life of Bobolous has come to be named chapter one and seventeen eighteenths.

Hovever, I must declare that there is another reason as to why this chapter is named seventeen eighteenths. At the end of this chapter, when he gets lost in a proverbial pool of warm honey, Bobolous would have been somewhere between seventeen and eighteen years old. Although I am an omniscient narrator, I am sometimes too busy to focus and work these things out. Deal with it.

The early years of his life were never easy. As mentioned before, Bobolous’ lack of opposable thumbs caused great difficulty. Art class resulted in teachers running out the room crying, arms flailing behind them. He made creations so horrible they cannot be described in ink or pictures. He caused so much distress that it was said Mrs. Jones, the art teacher at the school of 80 years (at the time 100 years old exactly) saw a recreation of The Mona Lisa Bobolous made and ran away to the heart of an unknown city to join the newly formed group of “emo” kids. As far as one knows, she still lives in this unknown city today, finding new life in the heavy rock that makes every last wrinkle on her face feel young again.

Vast numbers of stories concerning Bobolous’s incredible ability to change lives exist, so many that not a whole library can hold them, so many that not even Steven Hawking himself could comprehend the enormity.

The school Bobolous attended up until the age of eighteen was very much the best one around. His parents wanted only the finest for their sugar-coated baby. It was an incredible establishment. So incredible and hard to get into that princes themselves were denied, and the school uniform was gold plated. Of course, problems were met in the school uniform. Bobolous was, as his parents described, “big boned” and lacked the bodily shape which was so much needed. A lawsuit was thus filed against the school for discrimination against chocolate whale sharks.  Bobolous won this case and became the only student allowed to wear foil to preserve his chocolaty goodness.

It was common for hungry children before lunch to try to eat the delicious sweet covering of Bobolous. Rumours spread around that inside him lay a melted chocolate center. This led to the incident which is never spoken of.  The incident which led to the conspicuous yet mysterious bite mark on Bobolous’ right fin.

It was on a Tuesday afternoon when Bobolous’ future name was created. As the teacher was calling out the register, she decided to use the student’s full names because that was her twisted idea of fun. She then reached that of Bobolous, Bobolous Olgart Orangette Briar Saint.

Silence dawned on the classroom soon after as the students and the teacher began to comprehend what they had just heard. Bobolous’ answer of “yessum” was drowned out by a moment of supposed brilliance from the back of the classroom; Patricia Edwina Nora Ingrid Smith was shocked to hear such a name being read out by the teacher, and being the sly girl she was, she chose to write it down for future reference. It was then that she received her ‘eureka’ moment and realised that Bobolous’ intials spelled out “BOOBS”, much like she had typed into her calculator that very morning. Heart beating. Breath quickening, Patricia decided this was her chance to shine. 

“OH. EM. GEE.” She screamed at the top of her lungs “his name is boobs.” This was followed by a burst of evil laughter from her, before all of the other students giggled.

“Boobs?” Bobolous asked, unsure of the true meaning of the word.

“Knockers. Coconuts. Melons.” Voices came from all over the room into Bobolous’ confused chocolatey ears.

“QUIET” the teacher shouted. “Bobolous, Boobs are what immature children call the mammary glands on animals, in particular, humans.”

Whilst the lesson moved on to more pressing matters, Bobolous sat thinking about boobs. He realised that now he was being recognised as boobs, everything made perfect sense. He would now be the object of the desires of many. He would be sexually appealing as well as useful to everyone. Yes, Boboulous was being related to things which are the providers for maintaining human life. As he thought deeper and deeper, Bobolous soon discovered the true meaning of his life. He was important. Because he was Boobs.

Bobolous grew up hugely over the next few years. He was now a very large chocolate whale shark and his parents were pleased for him. The grades he got in certain subjects were very good. Teachers were amazed at his incredible ability to swim and he was commended for playing such a convincing whale in the school production of “Jonah and the Whale”.

However, his parents were still in hiding whilst all of this happened. When Bobolous came home from school each day the man baby had spent all his time preparing wondrous chocolate creations,  he would feed these to Bobolous and then would spend many hours teaching Bobolous the art of chocolate making. Ben had also in the past seventeen years taken up many peculiar hobbies. He took pride in learning the didgereedoo to such a level that he could claim to be one of the best in the world at blowing large sticks.

Bobolous would learn stories of his famous brother, The Presifrog of the United States of America.

Ben would read the stories of success in the country to Bobolous from the newspapers at night. He read of how such a simple frog had solved all of the monetary problems the world will ever face and how he, within a day of power, somehow managed to turn all American criminals into devout monks.

The teachers never believed Bobolous though. Not could such an odd creature be related to a super intelligent frog. Nor could any chocolate whale shark claim to somehow have two males as parents. Despite this, the friends of Bobolous always believed his tall tales. Bobolous had befriended a small group of teenagers and would sit them down to tell them of how he was born. These tales fascinated those he spoke to and they always craved more. 

The voice of Bobolous and the stories he told echoed through the voices of many, spreading the fabulous things which this creature had encountered. He soon enough became a local legend, with his own small group of followers, who had taken to the new clothing designs of the year 2025 to dress in large cloaks made of silicone. These people became known as the “Silicone Dressed Devout Followers of Bobolous Olgart Orangette Briar Saint” or the Silicone Boobs.

By the age of seventeen, this group of followers gave Bobolous meaning to his life. He felt wanted, loved, and had that distinct glow Patricia had given him those many years ago when she related him to a pair of admirable breasts. It was around the age of seventeen that Bobolous was attending his school at the beginning of the new school year. The same old people entered the classroom than always had done. They smiled and waved and Bobolous smiled and waved back, before someone new walked through the door. He stood tall and beautiful. His dark hair was gracefully swept over his soft face and Bobolous caught a glimpse of the eyes.

The moment Bobolous saw the eyes, he was lost in a pool of warm honey, the world came crashing down and built itself up with pink fluffly pillars all around. He felt like he was on a cloud, floating in the calm honey pool, taking his breath away so slowly and peacefully and drifting himself off to a field of daisies and grass, where it would rain golden chocolate all year around and candy canes surrounded like…

Then the mysterious new boy looked away. Bobolous found it hard to comprehend what he had just experienced. He had seen something like never before, the rich blue eyes had taken him to another world. When the boy looked into his eyes, Bobolous could feel them boring deep into his soul, warming him from within. Anxious to discover his name, Bobolous listened to the register tentatively.

The boy answered to the name of Carver, so it seemed. Bobolous then knew that he must meet this Carver and become friends with him, so he could once more get lost in the warm pool of drizzling honey.

Lunch time came about and the bell rang as always. Carver, being new, seemed very nervous. Bobolous went over though and took Carver to lunch and they sat and chatted for all of the time.

Something seemed to be the matter, but Bobolous couldn’t quite put his fin on it. Carver would look down and remain nervous, acting like he was telling lies or keeping a secret. Nevertheless, Bobolous told Carver of his past and how he was related to the presidifrog of the United states of America, who had that very day achieved everlasting peace between America and all other countries of the world. Carver seemed to warm to the troubled past, and asked Bobolous about the peculiarly shaped bite mark on his fin, to which Bobolous curled up to start muttering and murmering things about the event which is never mentioned. It was after this that Carver realised he had gained a friend who he could relate to and tell his incredible story of his life to. Looking up at Bobolous, the mysterious Carver started to confide in Bobolous the remarkable story of his existence.