Epic-logue - It’s not over

By looking at the title of this chapter, and the one of the penultimate, you will now know that the story which surpassed  the scope of ordinary tales is over.

 But any good novelist will tell you that no story is complete without a possibly unnecessary epilogue to confirm that the characters one has grown to love and cherish are living happily ever after. But you must not assume that this is the case.

It was a cold winter’s day. The sun has risen above the horizon, to be covered by grey clouds. Mourners gathered. They wrapped themselves in many layers to escape the bitter bite of the frost, to be faced only by the bitter bite of death. It was the second funeral in two days that Ben had attended. “Woe is me!” he cried two days running, to carry on walking through a slushy mixture of dirt and snow. 

Anyway, this Ben was a completely different Ben to whom we have been following in this story. This Ben has not appeared anywhere in the novel previously and will not appear in any other places. I just thought I would scare you a little bit.

The only Ben you should care about was on a celebratory holiday. It had been exactly ten years since the saving of the world from the pizzazz draining forces. The public took to this so fondly that they had created an international holiday. The “Pizzazz Emulating Everywhere” day, celebrated on December 25th. 

Now it was ten years later and the past was long gone. The yellow penguin which was conceived ten and a bit years ago was now the stand in actor for Mr. Flibble, who was at a retirement home somewhere on the equator. He had since married Biscuit, who had come to terms with her love of all things penguiny. Biscuit and Penguin lived in the middle of the city, near the penguin’s set for filming.

Biscuit called home every day, across the many time zones to the wonderful land of Oz. I mean, Dubai.

It was here that Bobolous and Sammy both got marred as soon as they were both of legal age to do so. Sammy had changed from her previously horrific self, and since had learned the secrets of pizzazz. She spent her spare time knitting clothes for orphans and baking cakes for the homeless.  Bobolous loved her very much. He was now an adult whale shark and could do adult things now, like engulfing himself in the joys of complaining about wrinkles and drinking mild tea, with no sugar. Of course no sugar, for sugar is not a grown up thing.

Bobolous had set up a large business with Sammy, which attracted people from all over the world. They sold a chance in a lifetime - to greet Bobolous, the saviour of pizzazz.

Meanwhile, Ben and the man baby were out of hiding and living a glorious life in Dubai. They lived in half of an extremely large house. the man baby would look after Ben, who had won the lottery each and every week for the past ten years due to his misuse of his psychic abilities. He had since bought 98% of the world's countries and taken over from the presifrog as president of the world, adored by all, hated by none. He had sorted out all of the problems there will ever be. Somehow, poverty and unhappiness had been avoided and he even solved problems such as the meaning of life and what happens after death, as well as eradicating all natural disasters.

On the other side of the extremely large house lay Helen and Carver. They slept together each night and were extremely rich. You see, Carver owned a large firm which sold lava lamps. For the demand of lava lamps had increased seven thousand fold each day for the past ten years. People flocked to Helenarver Lamps ‘R’ Us to purchase the lava lamps of the finest quality.

Helen, on the other hand, was a big shot music producer. When she was not signing huge bands who would get to number one, she would run (and win) marathon after marathon just to get her hands on the fame and fortune. She never really cared much for the running side of things, but a few hours out of her life to jog a few miles seemed worth the prize.

After a year of trying to get Le-Mon and the presifrog back to normal, they both reverted back to their evil ways. The doppelganger of Carver was destined to be awful. They had been thrown into an alternative universe. It was at the same time that the cambot spirit was summoned out of Mrs Wrinkles and the door was opened for the cambot that the presifrog and Le-Mon were kicked through.

But unfortunately, the cambot somehow escaped the getting thrown through the opened window. Because apparently it was more smart than the president. Such is life.

Now the presifrog and Le-Mon had spent nine years in cambot land. They were both possessed by cambots the minute they stepped through. And you do not want to know what happened for the next nine years. Two cambots colliding is not a good thing.

Meanwhile, Mr and Mrs Wrinkled had forgotten everything that had ever happened, all they knew was that they adopted a penguin on the way beck to home.

The cambot spirit, however, still roams the world looking for victims, now well away from Dubai and Somerset. 

&

It was a cold night around the world. Biscuit and Penguin sat in bed talking about the world of media.

Mr and Mrs Wrinkles sat staring at the adopted penguin wondering why it had been roaming around for the past ten years,

Le-Mon and the presifrog were… hmm

Bobolous and Sammy were enjoying a nice meal of chocolate plankton, telling their butler to get some more hot chocolate for them.

Ben and the man baby sat opposite Helen and Carver. Ben complimenting Helen on her now extremely large physique.

“Why Helen, you are looking positively fatter than ever.”

“Indeed I am!” Grinned Helen, looking down to feel triplets kicking around in her stomach, before holding Carver’s hand in happiness. For Ben and the man baby were going to help bring up these triplets, and Bobolous and Sammy were to send back enough money to give them the happiest childhood ever.

Now the story ends in an extremely predictable and unoriginal manner. Apologies. For somewhere in Sydney, a very large woman prima donna was shocking the audience. In her loud and perfectly pitched voice, she was soliciting the audience illicitly to the tune of “Voi Che Sapete”.

THE END IS NIGH! GO TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS BLOG AND READ IT ALLLLL

Chapter End.

So we've taken a rather epic journey, dear reader. You, me, and my counterpart. We've managed to waffle through fifty thousand words, ranging from "a" to "antidisestablishmentarianism", in order to tell you this stirring (?) story of two men, their politically corrupt frog, and their brave, insipirational chocolate whale shark. This has been a tale of love, a tale of hate, and a tale of rather explicit proportions which, for your sakes, have hopefully been sufficiently glossed over. I just want to say welcome. To the last three thousand or so words of Pizzazz: A Deep, Meaningful and Abstract Exploration. Thank you for accompanying us on this little journey to tell a story which didn't really make any sense from the word go, but purely for the enjoyment of writing it all down, and achieving a motive that has fueled us since the beginning of November, the completion of this novel has been fulfillment enough.

When we last left our gallant heroes, they were fast asleep, under a blanket of Antarctic stars, high up in the sky, watching the various couples as they slumbered in each others arms. The centenarians known as Mr and Mrs Wrinkles were at bliss with the world at that moment in time, even the pesky cambot had respectfully shortened it's advances in order for their two gnarled hands to tentatively come together. Carver and Helen, after what was possibly the most splendid hour of Carver's life, were utterly exhausted from their antics, and lay rather unflatteringly all over Bobolous and Ben, with Sammy and the man baby attempting to reach their own lovers. Biscuit had scoffed at them all for a few minutes, before feeling sorry for herself and finding the aforementioned penguin to cuddle.

A rather loud raucous sound from Bobolous woke the group up with a start; whale sharks are at their randiest in the morning, you see, and it seemed that Sammy had been tenderly stimulating Bobolous'...dorsel fin. After Helen and Carver had finished laughing, and Ben and the man baby had finished telling off their son for embarrassing their family name in such a way, the group decided that, accompanied by the ever-protecting Mr and Mrs Wrinkles, they would continuing making their way to the South Pole, in order to find the dastardly presifrog, and stop his evil pizzazz-draining lemony schemes.

"Well I WOULD WALK FIVE HUNDRED MILES" - roared Helen
"And I WOULD WALK FIVE HUNDRED MORE" - roared Ben
"JUST TO BE THE MAN WHO WALKS A THOUSAND MILES TO FALL DOWN AT YOUR DOOR" - bellowed the rest of the group, before launching into the various harmonies of the next part of the song, mimicked by the popular animated comedy Family Guy. They had been gaily marching in this fashion for several hours now, and I, your devoted author, am happy to note that they were all in prime fitness during this expedition. Ben and Carver began to walk ahead of the others, even the seemingly unstoppable Helen - she seemed busy attempting to trick the cambot into leaving Mrs Wrinkles' frail wizened body.

"So Carver...well judging by last night, things are going rather well with Helen?" - Ben asked, fairly innocently
"Well yeah...is there any reason why they shouldn't be?"
"Not really. I'm just trying to be the typical "gay best friend" here, surely you understand that. I was just...making sure she's perfectly happy with the situation, because I'd hate to see her unhappy or hurt,"
"Well you have nothing to worry about, comrade. She will forever be treated like a queen by me, because that is the enormous amount of respect that she deserves. Her beauty shadows that of the likes of Helen of Troy, Juliet Capulet, and Angelina Jolie. I shall endeavour to be the man she deserves until the end of time, don't you worry." Carver gushed, a small happy tear appearing in the corner of one of his beautiful eyes, and Ben put an arm around him, squeezing him affectionately.
"You do have such beautiful eyes, Carver,"
"Helen remarked on them several times last night, while she was -"
"PLEASE DON'T MENTION LAST NIGHT."

Helen had eventually progressed to singing Frank Zappa songs at the top of her rather melodious voice, before even resorting to LIVE Frank Zappa songs. It is for this reason that we shall provide one of the final ampersands in this epic novel. Frank Zappa was an eccentric gentleman, as I'm sure you are aware. During his live performances, he would give displays of stupendous talent to his eager audience, as well as, quite simply, having a laugh. His band had been well known to make strange noises which could equate to that of sexual excitement during songs, as well as a repetition of the phrase "HI HO SILVER!" during particular years. It was this certain phrase that Helen had taken it to heart to repeat constantly, for the "entertainment" of the rest of the group. Carver and Ben, even if it was in slightly different ways, both loved her dearly, but even they were beginning to develop a twitch in their left eyes from the number of "HI HO SILVERS" their straining ears were forced to pay listening homage to.

As they drew closer to the imminent South Pole, the seriousness of the mission increased dramatically. Helen, Ben, Carver, the man baby, Bobolous, Sammy, Mr Wrinkles, Mrs Wrinkles, and Biscuit, had decided to become known under the title of the Fellowship of the Lemon, and all had their war faces on after the bout of silliness expressed by Frank Zappa songs. It was surely a most impressive sight to behold, the two majestic whale sharks, fin in fin, walking in the wake of Mrs Wrinkles, the cambot spirit ridden, yet unusually energetic old lady, and Biscuit...the little cat. Carver strode onwards in front of most of the group, but close enough to Mr Wrinkles to remain safe from the pizzazz-draining forces. Various members of the group remarked to each other rather quietly that he really did have an attractive looking behind. Carver pretended to have not heard them, needless to say. Helen walked a little way behind Carver, her happily toned behind provocatively not-shaking as she walked. Alongside her skipped Ben, looking as insanely happy and spontaneous as ever, exchanging raucously hilarious but whispered jokes with his dear old friend Helen, mostly to do with a certain aptitude of Carver's. Helen secretly thought that Ben was just jealous. On Ben's other side walked the man baby, as caring and devoted to his husband as ever, and Ben would of course remind him that he was grateful for this devotion, even though he paid most of his attention, sometimes unwillingly, to the prowess of Helen.

The lava lamp, extracted from Sammy's intestinal duct, was still lying in wait in Ben's rucksack, itching for Helen to drink it's pizzazly innards, to bring restoration and happiness to the world. Helen was still having nightmares about drinking something that came out of a whale shark's anus, but she supposed that if it was for the good of the world, she'd just have to tilt her head back and think of...well...rather a lot of countries. I'm afraid that your devoted author tried and failed to find a list of all the countries in the world separated by commas, but evidently that's too much to ask for on such a vast entity as the Internet.

During their epic final push to the South Pole, the Fellowship of the Lemon ventured through many tundras, many icy glaciers, and saw many strange things. I doubt that any member of that band of brothers, sisters, whales and cats will ever look at penguins the same way ever again. You see, contrary to popular opinion, penguins have highly complicated social lives, similar to that of your average United Arab Emirates expatriate private high school. There was an element of "everyone" in the air, and more often than not they would see a penguin crying in the corner, while several other penguins were huddled together tightly, exceedingly seriously discussing exactly who the crying in the corner penguin happened to look at during the events of the previous evening. Because, you know, it matters that much to penguins. They're like Sims, they're such social creatures. If they don't get their social bar up enough, some penguin dressed up as a clown will come, and unless the penguins set the painting of the clown ablaze, it will plague them forever more, and restrict their health bars from going up.

After these strange sights, Ben stopped the group, and rounded on his friend.
"Helen."
"Ben."
"You do realise that you have to do it, don't you?"
"I'm trying to pretend it's never going to happen, but yes."
"Well we can see the South Pole from here, and it said on the snowflake that you need to drink it relatively early on, to allow it to settle in your breasts."
A pause. Then -
"OH BEN PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS" Helen wailed, before having to be consoled by Carver, who looked equally disheartened by the thought of his sweetheart having to do such a thoroughly disgusting thing.
"Ben, you're a psychic aren't you? Couldn't you -"
"DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE BOOBS?" Ben roared, his eyes popping out of his head. "Heh, just kidding, I'm not that crazy. But Helen dearest, you HAVE to do it. We'll all be here, holding your hands and telling you it's okay. Because of course, it's not okay. But we'll pretend it's okay."
"Ben...evidently you don't know me as well as you or I thought. You know what all those PE teachers and military generals had to do to get me to exercise," Ben remembered with an uneasy jolt. He did indeed know what all those PE teachers and military generals had to do to Helen to get her to exercise. He didn't want to have to resort to that, though. But perhaps it was the only way. To save the world. From this evil evil force of...evil. Short snappy sentences add to dramatic potential. Did you. Know. Of. This?
"You know I love you, don't you Helen? I just have to do this to get you to -"
"Yes yes, I know, Ben. I've learned to put up with it, don't worry. I won't hold anything against you.

Ben whispered what he was required to do to make Helen drink it to Carver, who, as Ben anticipated, looked utterly scandalised. The look on Ben's face told him that it was the only way. Carver and Ben both took a deep breath. Carver couldn't bring himself to start, so Ben had to.
"HELEN. YOU FILTHY LOWLIFE JELLY DOUGHNUT-STASHING MAGGOT! HOW DARE YOU TRY AND JEOPARDISE THIS MISSION DUE TO YOUR STUPID GIRLY PET HATES?! IF YOU DON'T DRINK THAT LAVA LAMP RIGHT NOW I SHALL SMEAR IT WITH SOMETHING EVEN WORSE, AND MAKE YOU EAT THE GLASS AFTERWARDS,"

"YEAH HELEN," yelled Carver,"NO MORE SEX FOR YOU, EVER AGAIN, IF YOU DON'T DO IT. BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHY!? I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH A WIMPY LITTLE GIRL WHO WON'T EVEN DRINK THE JUICE OF A LAVA LAMP THAT'S BEEN IN A WHALE SHARK'S ASSHOLE, THAT'S WHY!"

Helen's eyes filled with tears, at seeing the two men she loved most in the world being so awful to her, but she had to prove them wrong. It was almost as if that necessary little piece of her internal rifle had slid into place, and she was ready to start locking and loading. She marched over to Ben's rucksack, and firmly picked up the lava lamp in question. She focused, with all her might, on the fact that the lava lamp had been closed while it was...up there. So hopefully the juice of it wouldn't be too contaminated with Sammy faeces.

The entire fellowship watched with baited breath as Helen rose the defecated lava lamp to her lips, before downing the shimmering liquid in one fluid gulp. It tasted like a shot of tequila mixed with surgical ethanol and concentrated undistilled vodka in a sulphuric acid solution.

Carver let out a strange 'whoop' of joy before folding Helen into his arms and kissing her passionately. Helen responded with huge gusto, and threw her arms around his neck, pressing her lips even closer against his. Then of course, being the gay best friend, Ben ruined everything by jumping on top of them screaming "GROUP HUG". However, due to the euphoria of the situation, neither Carver or Helen minded, and the three of them lay on the floor giggling and cuddling each other. The slightly more sensible members of the fellowship were standing over them, smiling warmly at the rather touching scene taking place in front of them.

But now was not the time for such gay merriment, the fellowship still had the task of getting Helen to the south pole in time for the lava lamp to work to it's fullest effect, by her baring her rather ample cleavage to the world. Helen, now shining like some pizzazz-full goddess (for she was completely immune to the pizzazz-draining forces after drinking the lava lamp), was carried on the shoulders of Ben and Carver, who ran ahead, up a slight hill, to the now black and desolate pole creating what almost seemed like a crack in the rapidly setting sun.

The presifrog looked on in the utmost horror as the three heroes desperately scrambled to the south pole. It was the sight of this presifrog that caused Ben to stop in his tracks.

"Son...is that really you?"
"Yes father, it is." the presifrog said in a dull uninterested voice, "This is the ideal world that I have always dreamed of. I was born a corrupt politician from the start, but you never took that into consideration. You just kept feeding me joy and happiness and tender care, when it was really the opposite I wanted. I signed up for the Marines a few weeks ago, you know. Purely for the discipline, and the joy of being shouted at, maybe even beaten if I was lucky."

Ben sighed. Masochistic amphibians made him sigh.

"I'm finally doing what my perfect world was destined for now, Dad. I'm getting rid of all those vile forces you subjected me to as a tadpole, and I'm now molding the world into my ideal shape. I am the president, you see. I CAN DO THAT."
"Son...just be quiet. For one minute. Go over there, and resume your being quiet. I couldn't possibly live in a world like that, and you know it. Neither can Helen, your other father, your cat, your long lost younger brother, and the various other people connotated with us. I can't let you go along with this."

Ben then, with a heavy heart, splashed the remainder of the lava lamp juices onto the presifrog's slimy froggy body.

"No. No. Nooooooooo. My pizzazz is returning. I can feel IT! OH NO OH MY LORDLY LORD NO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENINGGG, WHY DO I SUDDENLY FEEL SO ELEVATED AND JOYFUL?"
"BECAUSE THAT'S PIZZAZZ, SON! REVEL IN IT! JOIN US!"

The presifrog was utterly stunned at the elated feelings oozing up through his midriff, and he joined his father in an epic air guitar solo to Lynyrd Skynyrd's Freebird, which had conveniently started playing out of thin air. Of course, while they were doing this, the man baby had joined them, in order to create the optimum distraction for Helen to be lifted up by Carver, and for her to pull the totally oblivious Le-Mon off the pole (Le-Mon was still rather tired from Helen and Carver's antics, you see. Helen had formulated a nice little plan concerning utterly wearing Carver out with her sexual advances, and because of the connection between him and Le-Mon, Le-Mon would be too exhausted to put up a fight when they got there.)

Helen clamboured onto the pole with some difficulty - she was still mortally afraid of heights - and discovered that she was in a highly uncomfortable position. She was, however, a psychic. Psychics should never be uncomfortable. That's why they conjure cushions out of thin air in order to make themselves not be uncomfortable. Which is exactly what Helen did, due to her being a psychic. And if you can see through my transparent attempts of finishing this bloody thing by adding a lot of unnecessary sentences then poo to you with knobs on, using the wise words of Blackadder, season 3.

After being seated on her cushion, Helen realised something quite bad. In fact, it was an exceedingly bad thing. She could suddenly see the entire world on top of the pole. She had no idea how she could do this, but the point is, she could. And she got the feeling that it meant that everyone else could see her too. And sure enough, people all over the world were pointing at the enlightened figure down south.

Upon realising that she had to show her boobs to the world, Helen began whimpering. This was worse than she could have possibly imagined. Ben sensed this worry, and summoned the thoughts of Brianna Banks, Jenna Jameson, Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, and Kelsey Michaels to guide her through this difficult time. Their thoughts echoed as one.
"Helen. We've all done it. It's not nearly as difficult as you would imagine, all you have to do is FLAUNT WHAT YOUR MAMMA GAVE YOU! FOR THE GOOD OF THE WORLD! GO FORTH, SISTER!"

Thinking of the momentous introduction of Heroes of our Time, by Dragonforce, Helen took a deep breath. It was the deepest breath ever heard on the entire planet. She then unbuttoned her shirt, letting it drop down to the ground.

A second later, her bra had dropped down to the ground as well.

Helen now perched, completely topless, on top of the South Pole, with wolf-whistles, cheers, orgasmic gasps, and screams echoing towards her from the rest of the world. All things considered, it was a very special moment. Despite the fact that she'd just shown her boobs to everyone in the world.

A vibrant red and purple light escalated upwards, encircling the opening in the universe, and bringing all the lost pizzazz back down to the world. It flew back into the world, before the entire globe partook in one huge street party. It was certainly a bonny day that day.

And so we are nearing the end of this epic tale of Bobolous the whale shark, of Ben, Helen, Carver, and the man baby. Of Sammy and Biscuit, and of Mr and Mrs Wrinkles. The presifrog had once again become the faithful and intelligent president that the world so desperately wanted, and Le-Mon had also lost his lemon-ness, for it came about that the cambot was the cause of the strange connection between him and Carver. So now these two separate people were able to live in the same universe, as two separate human beings. Both of course very happy, as they were both united with the persons they loved.

As for what to do about that yellow-tinged penguin, however. I think I shall save that for the epilogue that my counterpart may or may not include.

Chapter Pee Nissan Fudge Eye… Nah

As we reach the necessary fifty thousand words needed to make this novel truly something special, you may notice that many conclusions will be drawn and relationships will blossom like something that blossoms. A flower may be an example.

However, if you have been brave enough to read this far, you will have noticed that certain things may remain unexplained. If you are confused as to anything, please go onto your email provider, and open a new email. Send it to the email address I am psychically telling you to send it to asking any questions. If you do not receive an answer, it is because you are not good enough to pick up the psychic vibes. Shame on you - you fail.

Our group had just spent a night cuddled in a large group of penguins, in the middle of the thousands for warmth. They had made sure Mr and Mrs Wrinkles were in the middle and the reason for this was twofold. Firstly, they needed to keep the magnificent duo warm. Secondly, they had to try and gather around so that Mrs Wrinkles would not sexually advance on any of the penguins. Thirdly, and most importantly, the reasons for this was twofold, thus you will not get a third point.

 As daybreak came, everyone awoke from their slumber. Penguins all around were making penguin noises, so ridiculously penguiny not even the most penguiny penguin would possibly publicly comprehend the sheer penguinity of this penguiny group. You heard me. They were some loud penguins.

“Ugh. Let’s get out of here, I didn’t sleep a wink last night. All those members of the order Sphenisciformes family Spheniscisae. Only a devout ornithologist would take pleasure in being in our predicament.” Biscuit purred.

“You so silly, Bizzy!” Everyone except Mrs Wrinkles said in scary unison.

“Bizzy wanna cam lol xxx” Mrs Wrinkles asked.

“Oh gosh.” Helen had realised something “Mrs Wrinkles just said Bizzy. I think the soul of the cambot and hers are fusing together. Soon enough they may be one inseparable being.”

“I hope not!” Mr Wrinkles lied.

“Well, we have to get on with saving the world for now, we can rescue Mrs Wrinkles later.” Ben told everyone.

It was after they all escaped the sea of penguins that they all saw that in the direction of south was a large snowstorm. They decided all they could do was to sit down and wait for it to pass, seeing as south was the only way they could go, and they had no idea how much further they needed to trek.

They all sat in a very large circle. Overnight, Sammy seemed to have become a completely different whale shark. She insisted on playing patty cake and baking ice cookies. However, the rest were adamant on discussing more pressing matters, by playing “Reveal your secret.”, a game invented by the very nosy Ben.

“I was once so desperate to file my nails, I made a chocolate nail file. I failed.” The man baby told everyone. “I pick… Bobolous next!

“I… have a crush on Sammy…” Bobolous turned redder than a very red thing, and the only surprised face was that belonging to Sammy. “erm. I pick… Mr Wrinkles next.”

“Checkmate?” Mr Wrinkles had failed to grasp the concept of the game. “I pick the cat.”

“Biscuit dearest.” Biscuit informed the old man. “And I declare that my deepest darkest secret is that I have a higher Intelligence Quotient than Albert Einstein himself! The internet told me, so it must be true.” Biscuit was met by a few people claiming “ Bizzy is so silleh” Before choosing Sammy to go next.

“Well” Said Sammy “I may have an tiny crush on Bobolous…” Both of the whale sharks looked at each other nervously, before turning away. “Hmm. My next pick is Ben!”

“Secrets, secrets, secrets. Ben repeated. This one time, my

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and then it just went away.” Helen finished telling her deep secret, a five minute silence followed to shocked faces. Nobody knew that Ben and Helen could have secrets not even the most secretive person would dream of. “I pick Mrs Wrinkles”.

“Hey bbz my secret is my bf dumped me lol will strip for revenge.” the old lady informed everyone else.

Carver was the only one left with a secret to tell. He had been sitting down very nervously and knew that it was now his turn to tell everyone about himself.

“Well, I might as well let you all know.” Carver took a deep breath and began telling the epic journey of his life in recent months. “It all began when I moved to the United Kingdom. I had had a very odd childhood by which I had somehow lost many years and retained my youth. Many claimed that this was because I went swimming in the fountain of youth when I was younger. So I moved here for an education. I needed one, after all, since with the youth came extensive memory loss.

When I moved, however, odd things started happening. My skin took this yellow tinge, which you may see now. I carry around a large box of make up to cover myself from it. The doctor told me that it was a side effect of the medicine I was taking for a flu I had. It was okay, I just thought I’d have to deal with it for the time being and that it would go away for good.

A few nights after the trip to the doctor, it was a full moon. It was large and beautiful. Low in the sky. I had gone to do some late night shopping, you see, I was getting great urges for lemons.

As you may know, it is not in my nature to look people directly in the eyes anyway, because I was finding people when they looked into my eyes were dropping things and asking me for my number. I assumed that the yellowness of my skin somehow complimented the deep blue lakes of my eyes, so I stopped looking people directly in the eye.

That night I was shopping, I looked at the full moon and then accidentally looked on at the old cashier woman, directly into the eyes. She did the usual thing of looking like she was swimming in a pool of honey. But afterwards, she took on a peculiar form. She had to sit down. The shop was empty save us two, and it looked like she was fainting. So I went to the phone to call for help, but as I looked onto the old lady, she had gone. Wondering if she had fallen onto the floor, I went over. She wasn’t on the floor. There was a lemon in her place. I was scared. I dropped everything and picked up the lemon. I ran home, faster than ever.

When I got home, I put the lemon on the side. I felt I needed to get it back to life, but I simply couldn’t. Google told me nothing about old ladies turning into lemons after staring at them directly in the eyes. And Google, as we all know, knows everything.”

Carver needed to take a deep breath and drink some of the melted ice before going on. Each and every person, man baby, whale shark, cat and cambotlady were looking on with wide, intrigued eyes.

“Do carry on.” Ben told Carver. “What happened to the lady? What does this mean for us now? How can we help?”

“Alright. So that night I looked into the mirror. When I looked, I saw one of my blue eyes, like you see now. But I also saw a yellow eye. It was such a rich, honey, golden yellow. I found myself drawn to it, and my skin started turning even more yellow. Thankfully, I looked away in time.

I was up all night trying to help the lemon lady, to no avail. But at the sun rose, the lemon started to take the form of the lady. And I noted that as the moon disappeared from the sky, she became fully human. Understandably, she was very confused. Anyone would have been, so she ran off. I looked in the mirror and saw my eyes were restored to their blue tinge once again.

So I went to the contact lens shop and bought blur contacts to cover the yellow for the next time, if there was a next time. I still had yet to discover why it all happened, and as I went to school I was very nervous, I felt I was keeping secrets from everyone, especially you Bobolous.

So a few weeks passed, and the yellowness did not return. But as I was lying in bed one day, I heard a knock at my door. I went to answer it and I was faced by the presifrog. The presifrog was at my door. He asked if he could come in, and of course I obliged. Why wouldn’t I, after all he was the saviour of the economy and world poverty. He told me to take a seat. And he informed me that what was to happen next I must keep in strictest of confidence. 

What happened next is extremely blurry. It almost feels like a dream, and I convinced myself I was dreaming it, or at least bits of it until a few days later. I was told that I had assumed the form of a half lemon man. The presifrog told me that this had happened because he had opened up the door to another universe, and my doppelganger had escaped. But we now know that the presifrog wanted the doppelganger to drain the world of it’s pizzazz.

Into the room walked the likeness of me. His name was Le-Mon and he looked so similar to me, but he lacked a certain something. A certain pizzazz.  The presifrog told me that when things escape into other universes, odd things happen as a consequence. I mean, look at Mrs Wrinkles and how much she’s changed because of the cambot escaping it’s universe. So as this Le-Mon escaped, him and I both took on half of the form of an object exactly in between both of us, in our case it was a lemon tree.”

“Hey bbz I can put lemons up my vagina wanna see 4 cash?”

“Not now, Mrs Wrinkles! Carver, carry on.” Helen proceeded to give Mrs Wrinkles evils.

“Yeah… and the presifrog asked me if I wanted to help him. He said he had a plan, and to succeed I would have to do stuff for him. One of them was to help him put my doppelganger on a pole by his butt. When I asked why, the presifrog would not answer. So I said I had had enough. I didn’t want to be part of this elaborate plot. I stood up and went to leave the room but Le-Mon, who wall still yet to speak, took hold of my arm and dragged me down the stairs into the basement where he tied me up. Then Le-Mon took my place in school for a few days whilst the presifrog and I tried to come to some form of agreement.

After a few days, the agreement was reached. I promised to tell nobody anything about the evil plan. That’s why I was so reluctant to tell you all the whole story. He said he would kidnap me again if I were to say anything, and would provide me with a lifetime supply of blue contacts and lemons if I agreed.

Then he freed me. And as the presifrog led me out, I passed Patricia Edwina Nora Ingrid Smith. She was complaining about the lack of a boutique within a mile radius of where she was going to stay. The presifrog told me to tell the school that she had gone to study Paris-Hilton-ology. He told me that Patricia had seen too much and needed to be kept for a while, and that she would return.

Well, we know she never returned, but she managed to somehow save the secrets of pizzazz and thus indirectly help us save the world, despite not looking both ways on the runway.

When I came back one night, the positron, Le-Mon and Patricia had all left without a trace. I was busy repairing the mess Patricia had made by playing the game where she pretended she was a bulldozer or something like that. I thought that from then on everything would be okay. But the presifrog and Le-Mon had an evil plan. I never thought the presifrog was like that. 

Bobolous, that’s why that night I couldn’t look you in the eyes. It was for your own good. One of my eyes would turn you into a lemon, the other, especially on a full moon, would have made you fall in love with me. I couldn’t risk having a lemon stalker.

But I needed to escape. I didn’t feel safe or happy in that house where I had been tied up for days. Plus it was cold because that Patricia somehow managed to break all of the windows. That’s why I hid in your bag to join you in Dubai. I wanted to avoid the mess back at home. And I’m glad I came with you, because I’ve met this glorious woman, and my best friends for life. Seriously, I love you guys so much. You mean everything to…”

“I luv you Carver bbz so much u get a FREE DISCOUNT between 3 and 4am tonite. Ill be on cam waitin k?”

Mrs Wrinkles naturally had to pitch in to ruin the moment.

“Wow, Carver. I understand why you couldn’t tell us about any of that. It’s extremely complex, that’s why I could never get your story through my psychic connections. But a full moon is due tomorrow night. Carver, we cannot risk looking into your eyes then. Have you bought contact lenses”

“Oh no. I let then at home. Damn. What will we do??”

“Hmm. Well, there must be a way to reverse the curse.” Ben said “And we can’t get Le-Mon back to the other universe because we’re not near him and we don’t know how to. Let’s see if the snowflake paper contains any information on how to revert a person from a half human form into their normal one. And thank you for telling us that, Carver. It makes everything so much clearer.”

Ben and Helen got out the snowflake and found a section which seemed to be conveniently titled “How to revert a person back to their human form when alternate universes have messed them up” Very luckily. However, the section was unclear. Bits which were important were missing.

The two psychics, using all of their powers deduced that Carver would have to lose something which could never be gained. This mystery had stumped all, except Mrs Wrinkles.

Mrs Wrinkles was still aware, her brain fogged by the cambot spirit. She knew the answer to the puzzle, but it was hard to get the answer out. She knew that she could say certain words in context. Certain human words, as she now had gained more control over her speech. Mrs Wrinkles, trapped, felt that this really was her time to shine. She knew that she could save everyone from being turned into a lemon by Carver.

“bbz!” she forced out.

“Oh, be quiet, Mrs Wrinkles! Ben and Helen are trying to figure this out.” the man baby glared at the old lady.

“BBZ I needs u…” She was struggling to get her words out. But she knew she needed to. For the good of mankind. For if these people were to be turned into lemons, they could never save the world from the pizzazz sucking monsters.

“Shut. UP. Mrs Wrinkles seriously.” Biscuit purred.

“no. I need u 2...” she needed to say listen. Then they might listen. “li…sten” The words were so hard for her to let out. “2 me” and then she had to retreat back to her cambot voice “bbz cam lol pussy wet 4 u xxx lactating lol boobs”.

“Guys, I sense something.” Helen was confused. “I think she’s trying to tell us something.”

That was the motivation Mrs Wrinkles needed . She knew they were all listening to her seriously now.

“BBZ! Ya listen lol xxx” Getting the words out exhausted her “Carver… need 2... Cam with me lol xxx… NO… Carver… need 2... Lose… Virginity!” She felt victorious. Mrs Wrinkles had gotten the words out. She then relaxed and went back to asking Sammy if she wanted to pay for sexual favours.

“Oh my gosh!” Ben jumped up. “Of course, it all fits. Mrs Wrinkles and her sexually twisted mind are right. Carver needs to lose his virginity to release the lemon essence back into the alternate universe.

“=o” Said Carver, before a huge grin spread over his face. 

“=o” repeated Helen, before a huger grin spread on her face. The two lovers looked at each other and decided not to waste any time. Carver really wanted to squirt his lemon juices away and off into the other universe.

Helen took Carver by the hand and led him into an igloo which Sammy had been building whilst Carver told of his story. Bobolous, the man baby, Mrs Wrinkles, Biscuit, Ben and Mr Wrinkles promised each other never to speak of what happened that night in the igloo. Certain things are best left never spoken of, they all agreed, like the oddly shaped bite mark on the fin of a certain chocolate whale shark.

The things they heard and once accidentally caught a glimpse of were so explicit, not even in this book will they be mentioned, or the writers would no doubt be thrown into a jail for the remainder of their lives.

An hour later, the igloo had melted from inside. Yellow clouds had been released into the air and were floating to the nearest door to escape into the other universe where they belong. Out of the igloo walked a grinning Carver followed by a grinning Helen. Carver’s skin was no longer yellow. It was tanned and the colour it has always been. He walked with great confidence to the rest of the group, who found the moment to be extremely awkward. They did not dare ask anything about what had happened in the igloo.

“Carver! You’re better now! You look so much less lemon coloured.” Bobolous said in delight.

“I feel better too.” Carver smiled.

“Hey bbz giv me money becuz I rock.” Mrs Wrinkles somehow escaped the robotic movements to force a smile.

Joy overcame all of the people and animals that day, and the storm which had been keeping them from exploring was now very much settled. They all emulated pizzazz and hugged each other. Bobolous and Sammy, when everybody was busy celebrating, shared their first kiss. Then they were officially a couple. Mr and Mrs Wrinkles sat down, hand in hand, and realised that tomorrow would be their 120th wedding anniversary. Carver and Helen lay and looked up to the stars which were now revealing themselves. And Biscuit, feeling lonely, went and got a penguin to cuddle next to.

Meanwhile, the Le-Mon had just felt everything Carver had, so was now extremely tired. And as Le-Mon stopped to rest, a cloud of lemon rose above him. This temporarily stopped the pizzazz forces. This was lucky for our heroes and heroines, for it was only a matter of hours from when they woke up the next morning until the pizzazz draining forces would spread past Antarctica, and would engulf whole cultures, ruining their landscapes and traditions, turning ancient golden artefacts into boring brown mud. For the forces of pizzazz, if they were to spread that far, would require more than one lava lamp to stop them. And there were no lava lamps nearby. They could only risk, therefore, having Antarctica engulfed by these forces. This was a matter of urgency.

But for now, the couples slept under the almost full moon, the surrounding area silent, except for the continuous echo which had saved the day.

“Hey bbz. Wanna cam?”, Mrs Wrinkles mumbed in her sleep.

Chapter run for the hills but not those hills the other hills or you may just end up running to a bad hill.

As you can guess from this chapter, this chapter will involve lots and lots of running. Those of you who can relate to the brains of the famed Sherlock Holmes, who deduced things which could not be deduced from somewhat negligible attributes of a person, would deduce from the title that it involves lots of running, hypothetical or not, to some bad places and some good.

If you think this, please refer to the seventh chapter entitled “Mr and Mrs Wrinkles (and their elderly enthusiastic escapades)” and read the first section.  Shame on you and your assumptions. Tut tut.

 Back to the vast desert of Antarctica, we find our travellers talking about what they should do next. 

“We have to find a lava lamp for me to drink!” Helen told everyone.

“That’s what she said =o” Carver said

“Carver that makes no sense.” Helen glared at him “This is no time for immature jokes.” Before Helen cracked up and proceeded to laugh for exactly three minutes and fourteen seconds, before Carver and her shared a passionate hug,

“Right so we need to find a lava lamp.” Ben wrote that down on his list of things Helen and he had to do. “What else?”

“We need to get rid of that Sammy.” The man baby told the rest, pointing at the whale shark who was napping on some ice.

“NO” Bobolous shouted. “I don’t want her gone. She’s lovely. I know it. Just a bitch.”

“We need to do something about her though. Put that on the list, Ben” Ben did exactly what the man baby requested, writing in the book of shadows.

“bbz we need 2 cam” Mrs Wrinkles pitched in.

“We Have to get this cambot out of Mrs Wrinkles. Seriously, it’s annoying me.” The man baby went on to say, met by giggles from Ben and Helen.

“NO!” Mr Wrinkles jumped up and gave everybody evils, boring deep into their souls. A look of such hatred that you could almost see fire exiting his eyes, “I mean… yes of course.” Mr Wrinkles obviously liked the advances his wife had been making.

The list grew longer and longer. Eventually, they had all come to an agreement over what should be done. An hour later, the list looked like this:

Find a Lava Lamp for Helen to drink

Get rid of Sammy

Make the cambot spirit exit into the universe it belongs

Find the south pole

Try not to let the world run out of pizzazz

Figure out what to do next

The list of course was nowhere near good enough. None of them knew how they would do what they got to the South Pole. They assumed that they must improvise, and hope things go well. 

You must remember that this is a biography and not a novel. If it was a novel you would assume the ending to be uplifting or to leave you thinking about issues such as life. However, this is a biography so may or may not end up going horrifically wrong. You may also take note that this is a biography of future events. The writers are psychic, after all.

The group decided that they must go on to find the lava lamp which Helen would drink in order to save the world. The lava lamp industry does not flourish in the lands of the south. This is partly because of the lack of electricity and partly because penguins lack the part of the brain that services for those who like lava lamps. The part that works overtime in the minds of Ben and Helen.

Time was precious for these eight legendary characters (the majority not being of totally human backgrounds.) and Sammy, of course.

“Where oh where can we find a lava lamp around here?” Helen asked everyone.

“My senses are not tingling.” Ben said, upset.

“=o” Carver exclaimed “LOOK”

It was a pure miracle. Somehow, out of nowhere, they saw a huge store in the distance. “Lava Lamps “R” Us”  Every face lit up, and biscuit ran quicker than she should be able to up to the main entrance, soon to be followed by the rest, except Sammy and Mrs Wrinkles, who stayed where they were to have a debate about the meaning of life. Mrs Wrinkles argued a fairly convincing case for the meaning of life the be camming, and somewhat convinced Sammy of this.

“OH MY GOSH I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!” Ben ran up to the entrance, to hit the door made of glass and continue to collapse onto the icy floor.

“You silleh Ben. You open it.” Helen went on to push open the dangerous glass door. But it did not open. Looking to her right, Helen saw a “Closed Monday to Sunday” sign.

“Oh DAMN” the man baby shouted.

“Well that sucks” Carver grumbled. “And the walls are made of the best ice in town so we can’t break in.”

The pizzazz seemed to have flowed out of all of those outside the store that day, desperate to know what to do. “Meow” Biscuit purred “It seems that the pizzazz is flowing out of us because the secondary absorbing force is not within a close enough radius to us.”

Biscuit was quite right. Mrs Wrinkles was not close enough and they were losing their pizzazz at the normal rate one thousand fold.

“RUN” Carver screamed. The group sprinted at record pace to get to Mrs Wrinkles. Each one was in dreadful fear and could feel the forces of pizzazz being slowly drained from them each step. Carver, being the fittest, picked up Helen and carried her to run directly into Mrs Wrinkles.

“You guys are so lame” Sammy said, not losing any of her pizzazz because of her proximity to the old lady. “And stupid. You suck. Look at you pathetically running because you’re scared of growing up to spend each evening wanting nothing but water and bread. Stupid. Hah.”

“SHUT UP BIIIIIIIIIIITCH” Ben was next to come running in screaming insults and jumping on top of Helen and Carver and Mrs Wrinkles who were now on the floor.

The man baby followed very soon, alongside Bobolous. But in the distance a frail old man was walking at the record pace of a ninety year old snail. Of course, now they were by Mrs Wrinkles, but they needed to be by both att he same time in order to not lose pizzazz.

“Well paint me purple” Helen screamed, before running up to Mr Winkles, picking him up and throwing him on the pile of pizzazz lusting animals and people.

They decided they could not afford for this to happen again, so must take extra precautions when running enthusiastically. But they were desperate for the lava lamp and did not know where one could be found.

*NOTE - Yes I lied in the first paragraph. There is running in this chapter. Like I said, stop assuming. Tut tut.*

 “I need a poop” Sammy declared “I haven’t been in ages. I think I’m constipated or something.”

“thanks for sharing with us…” Bobolous told her. 

“Here you go, try these.” The man baby handed Sammy some laxatives, which she then swallowed ungratefully.

The sight was one to behold. The female whale shark did not go away to hide. She did not tell anyone to look away. Outside of a hole from her backside came a scrambled mess.

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEW” Or words to a similar effect, everyone said. With the exception of Mrs Wrinkles who demanded credit card details. 

“WOW. That was immense. Felt like there was a bloody lava lamp up there”

“What do you mean?” Ben asked.

“I don’t know, sweetening. It just felt like the shape of a lava lamp coming out of my… teehee buttocks!” Sammy’s face turned angelic and she giggled with glee. Obviously whatever lava lamp shaped object had been stuck up her backside, it was making her grumpy.

Ben then did the unholy task of walking over to the mess to have a closer look. Lo and behold, in the pile of defecation was a lava lamp. Helen looked on in sheer horror as Ben picked it out with a stick.

“No way.” 

“Yes way!” Carver and Bobolous burst into a fit of laughter.

“There is no way I am drinking that” Helen sighed, knowing what she had to do. “Why oh why is fate so cruel to me?” This was a rhetorical question,  but fate was so cruel to Helen that day because she does not have control over what happens in this chapter.

Meanwhile, Sammy looked over at Bobolous. “Oh my goodness gracious.” She blushed. “I can’t believe how utterly awful I have been to such a sweet, delectable young man in recent days.” Bobolous blushed. “And I followed you here simply because you slightly annoyed me.” Sammy, of course, was still suffering symptoms form the lave lamp up her butt situation, so soon slipped back into old habits. “You. Little shrimp face. YOU were perving on fabulous me. How dare you treat me like an animal. SHAME ON you, you lovely cutey little raspberry pie thing.”

Bobolous, although confused, could for the first time see through Sammy’s horrific exterior secondary to the lava lamp situation, and could see that deep down, her heart was as warm as the sun that day. The sun in a warm place of course, because it was awfully cold down in Antarctica.

Helen couldn’t care if the whale shark was now nice or if it had given her a lucky twist of fate. She still thought it was disgusting.

“How on earth did you get a lava lamp up there, Sammy?” Carver asked, curiously. To be met by a blushing and sheepish face.

Chapter NO.

"IN THE NAAAME OF LOVE, ONE NIGHT IN THE NAAAME OF LOVE!" 

"You crazy fool....I won't give in to you," 

This jovial yet exceedingly romantic exchange of lyrics from the film Moulin Rouge continued throughout most of the icy trek to the still-distant south pole, namely from the mouths of Helen and Carver, but occasionally from Ben and the man baby. With the protecting influences of the wrinkled centenarians guiding them like a shining beacon towards their destination, the six heroes were making good progress, as they strode into the majestic Antarctic sunset, the freezing wind billowing around them in translucent swirls. Ben and Helen had occasionally reverted back to their usual fairly immature yet commandingly impressive selves in order to join together in a rendition of the ever popular "Man Babies", or to simply discuss in whispered yet easily-audible voices which of their love interests was better equipped for certain tasks. 

Once Helen had got over the "OH MY LORD I HAVE A BOYFRIEND" euphoria, she still flashed Carver a white-toothed heart-melting twinkly smile every now and then, before continuing one of many bizarre conversations with her dear old friend Ben. The man baby was having slight trouble keeping up with the overall pace of the group, but with the assistance of the suddenly much more chivalrous Carver was able to see himself through the worst of his strange skin irritations from the cold, and the threatenings of a nose hernia. In the meantime, Helen and Ben had lagged behind slightly to talk to Bobolous about any clues he may have to stopping the seemingly unstoppable flow of pizzazz out of their own universe, never to be seen again. Bobolous felt in his whaley heart that now would be the time to mention the snowflake. 

"Well Dad, I don't know if you remember that ghastly young lady at my school who went by the name of Patricia, but through a fairly odd series of incidents, she ended up getting hit by a plane" - Bobolous and Ben turned to Helen, affronted. Once Helen had stopped laughing, she waved a hand for Bobolous to carry on. Helen had always possessed a very warped, dark sense of humour.

 "She let these little pieces of paper fall out of the plane window, and they ended up being stuck to the windscreen, I think that's how that plane crashed in Dubai airport, when you mentioned that shop with the roboti-

 "DON'T TALK ABOUT THE ROBOTIC SHEEP" - Helen screamed, before burying herself in Ben's shoulder making a strange high-pitched humming noise. Bobolous didn't even want to know what would happen if he mentioned the robotic sheep any further, so he continued his tale,

 "Well...here are the pieces of paper that I managed to recover. All it says on the first line, when you stick them together is 'Listen to Phillip Pullman, he knows his shit."

 "Ah, good old Phillip," said Helen, " He does indeed know his shit, Bobolous, it's thanks to him that all this came about. You see, I don't know if you're literate enough to have read His Dark Materials, but this whole idea of Dust explored in his novel is in fact known as "pizzazz" in our world. And due to the draining tendencies of a creature such as Le-Mon, if he was put in the right place at the right time, which unfortunately, he was, he would be able to create an opening, not into another world, but out of all known existence. THAT'S why we have to find a way to stop it, 'cause...it's pretty bad." 

"Well, I couldn't quite make out the rest of what the paper said, but see if you and Dad can." 

Carver called a break, and with the help of Ben and Helen's wonderful psychic auras, they created a little coldproof dome where everybody sat comfortably on rather suspiciously spontaneous armchairs, while Ben and Helen examined the piece of paper on a small and rather tasteful coffee table.

 "Helen...that looks like 'titties'," 

"Oh for heavens sake Ben, now is not the time for a blatant sexual reference!"

 "....It does, though!" - And sure enough, the word "titties" was clearly spelt out at the end of the piece of paper, which was rather inconveniently cut up into the shape of a snowflake.

 "So, it's...'something something something something something something something something something something something something, something something something something something something something something something something something titties.'" - Helen declared.

 "Yep, looks like it." Ben stated. It was going to be a very long night. 

After several hours of rather coarse language, some serious bitch-slapping, the occasional scratchy bitey fight, and a lot of tearful hugging and making up, Ben and Helen managed to decipher the rest of the snowflake. This is what Helen had to say on what the rest of the note said. 

"NO." 

"YES HELEN. YES," - Ben screamed with glee, as him and the man baby roared with laughter at the contents of the note, 

"You seriously cannot expect me to do something like that...it's...immoral,"

 "It's for the good of mankind!"

 "Do you WANT me to never be able to look at myself in the mirror again?"

 "Well you might be readier for stuff a lot quicker if you didn't," 

"Oh ha ha..."

 If you haven't guessed already, because you're that stupid, the note said "A trained female psychic must drink the juice of a lava lamp, while the influence of the colourful light shoots out of her titties." That of course meant, that our rather unfortunate heroine had no other choice but to display her breasts to anybody who may be standing nearby at the South Pole, once she drank the juice of the lava lamp in order to summon all the pretty colourful pizzazz back down again. Only a trained psychic could drink the juice of a lava lamp, you see, it's somewhat dangerous. And it had to be a female psychic, because two places of exit were required in order for the juice of the lava lamp to work properly. 

The other four congratulated Ben and Helen on the remarkable feat of discovering what words were on a piece of paper cut up like a snowflake, and as the dome was lowered back into Carver's remarkable expedition rucksack, a sudden violent sound behind them made them all jump. 

"YOU. BASTARDS." - croaked a furious yet marine-creature-like voice from behind them. Helen, Ben, the man baby, Bobolous, Carver,Mr Wrinkles, Mrs Wrinkles, and Biscuit turned around sharply to come face to face with the great fish herself. The murderous, seemingly legendary yet so very real Sammy the whale shark was surveying the group with an expression of utter hatred on her face.

 "Do you arrogant self-centered people have any idea how many scales I have lost off my stomach CRAWLING AFTER YOU IN THIS DESOLATE WASTELAND?! You couldn't think to stop, oh no...it was just too much for you flashy psychics ,YES I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU TWO IDIOTS" - she screamed at Ben, who proceeded to hide behind an equally frightened Helen, " - couldn't think to even stop for a second and look for a signal of somebody being RIGHT BEHIND YOU EVERY STEP OF THE WAY?" The infuriated animal took a deep breath after this rant, and delved into a stony sulking glare, as if daring a member of the group to question what she had just screeched. The only member of the party brave enough to come forward and demurely state something fairly obvious was Mrs Wrinkles 

"hey bbz im so wet n horny 4 u, wanna cam 2night muah lol xxxx"

 "...I'll pass, madam. God, you're all a bunch of perverts, aren't you? First YOU" - she pointed a fin accusingly at Bobolous, "staring at me like I was some kind of circus freak, and DON'T THINK I DIDN'T SEE THE WAY YOUR DORSEL WENT UP AT THE SIGHT OF ME, just because I was stuck in that ghastly human-made tank doesn't mean I'm a stupid shark. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, I suppose, but I can notice things. Oh yes. I've seen things happening in crowds at the Atlantis aquarium that all you pansies could never even DREAM of,"

 "So..." Bobolous stuttered, looking terrified at the rather angry looking whale shark "Does this mean that that day when...Helen and Ben destroyed the bouncy castle" - the entire group were relieved to see the makings of a chuckling smirk appearing on Sammy's sharky face at the mention of this "...that brief moment we shared when we looked at each other, meant...nothing to you?"

 "Look kid, don't take it personally, but you're made of chocolate. Do you really think I could handle a guy who was made of an easily melted rather delicious looking confection? I've seen you and that sexy eyed human wandering around, even heard snatches of your conversations at points, you seem like a very nice shark, but you can see that it wouldn't work, surely?"

 "I can change, Sammy...YOU KNOW I CAN CHANGE" - Bobolous was about to launch into a song that he wasn't quite sure of, before being pulled back by both of his parents in order to stop Sammy from gumming him to death on the spot. And so our heroes are left in this rather niggly little situation, with a murderous whale shark cornering them, as they desperately try to get to the South Pole in as little time as possible. It'll be interesting to see how my counterpart manages to get them out of this one in the next chapter. Watch this space.

Chapter <3

If, heaven forbid, you have ever experienced a very poignant direct feeling of the most sickening of nausea, with some stretching of imagination and the human psyche, you may be able to fathom a mere inkling of what poor Ben and Helen were feeling as they continued to converse with the elderly couple, Mr and Mrs Wrinkles, but it was the antics of Mrs Wrinkles, so unfortunately possessed by the accursed cambot, that brought this plague of sickness upon them. She offered the most degrading and shudderingly unspeakable sexual advances in badly spoken pidgin English, which is not exactly the oppurtune suggestions for a centenarian of her timbre. Her incorrectly punctuated cries of needing certain lowly womanly parts rubbed, and whether the other three people in the living room would be willing to assist her in this venture were not well received by the unfortunate Ben and Helen, as their stomachs heaved and screamed their disapproval of being subjected to this torturous and almost overwhelming nausea.

"sexy girl on cam for you now, pay 2 see more of my wet jiggling yet somewhat sagging titties now 4 cash, lol xxx im so wet and horny 4 u right now" - declared the old lady, demure and timid in appearance, but seemingly with all the testosterone and oestrogen of a rampaging male rhinocerous in heat. Helen ignored an uprising heave from her very unlucky stomach and with enormous effort blocked out the advances and turned to Mr Wrinkles. 

"We would like you to accompany us on an..er..expedition, if you will, to explore the lands of the south. I understand that you have lived through many wars and have seen many places on our good earth become scarred and changed beyond recognition by wars, tragedy, global catastrophes, and political cover ups,"

"Well yes, that is true dearie, but I do think that my wife and I are a little old and feeble for such an idea. Thank you ever so for offering though" Mr Wrinkles quavered in a frail little voice,

"Oh naturally sir, but wouldn't you like to receive confirmation that this is a place that has never changed? Throughout ALL your years of life?"  

Mr Wrinkles attempted to ponder this for a few fleeting seconds. It would be nice to see something that he knew would be exactly the way it was when he was nothing but a mere babe in a manger. And his dear baby sister, may she rest, always said that he should get out more, and get some good earthy exercise into those bones. A proud tear edged it's way out of the old man's eye, and trickled shyly down his face. 

"Very well, Miss...er..." 

"My name is not important. Just call me....."

"I'M BEN AND SHE'S HELEN!" yelled Ben, hoping to gloat to Helen later about being the first to introduce them. Helen, once again, responded to this behaviour with a mandatory face-palm.

"Well Miss Helen, my wife and I would be delighted to accompany you on this lovely little visit. I would ask my wife's opinion, but back in my day women were considered spawn of the devil, don't you know. Such a peaceful and non-conflicting world we lived in back then, when everybody did as they were told, not this silly anarchy that happens today on the streets, in the alleys, in uteruses during illicit conceptions..."

"Yes I quite agree Mr Wrinkles, but we must depart now in order to...catch the car."

"Ah yes, of course, of course..." Ben and Helen then bundled the slow fussy old man and his horrifically perverted wife into the limousine waiting expectantly outside. Mrs Wrinkles continued to deliver unspeakably disgusting offers to everybody present in the limousine, and this time, not even Carver was willing to pay her for her services. Instead of this, he proceeded to stare intently at Helen's thigh, his long fingers itching to just reach out and grab it. But he knew he mustn't. Ben would kill him if he tried anything.  

They sailed once again over the Mediterranean sea, but with a rather unexpected companion. Yes, dear reader, Sammy the mad murderous whale shark was clinging to the axles of the car, humming the Titanic theme to herself, and throwing her underpants onto the on-sea stage where Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention had moved into their reggae-influenced version of Stairway to Heaven, before proceeding to talk about all the innuendo related to falling into a burning ring of fire. Back in the interior of the limousine, Helen once again wiped away a tear, but was this time comforted by Carver putting an arm around her shoulders, with a steely look from Ben. He would certainly be rather furious with Carver if he tried anything with his Helen; HE was the gay best friend, and HE called the shots about who she ended up with. He would rather that Helen did not end up with a man with severe citric problems, he feared that despite her immensely strong soul, Helen's heart was simply too large and accepting to realise the injustice of having to put up with such a threat in her life.

He soon moved onto thinking about crumpets with Dijon mustard, because Helen then psychically told him to stop worrying about her; she was a big girl now, and could look after herself, and as much as she loved him and respected his concern for her safety, she would prefer it if she called the shots, rather than adhering to the whole "gay best friend" theory. She also thought it would be a good idea to reverse that little psychic trick she'd played around with in the other universe, and bring Carver to his proper age, so that she wouldn't feel too guilty about any later events that may occur between them in the near future.  

Carver's arm was slowly, very slowly, inching downwards towards her inclining waist, longing to hold her even more tightly, but he was indeed wary. As Helen's little psychic trick undid itself, Carver felt a sudden plucking feeling in his abdomen, before realising that he was several years older, and turning to Bobolous with an immense grin on his face. HE WAS A MAN NOW. Bobolous' eyes filled with proud yet rather unnecessary tears at the thought of his dear friend finally being granted the manhood that he so thoroughly deserved. 

The man baby, on the other hand, had slowly moved across the limousine's interior, seating himself next to Ben. Ever since Helen had come along, as much as he loved her company, and respected her as a person, he had often felt resentful at the amount of attention she was paid by Ben. The man baby knew that it was nothing more than a friendship, of course. He took the pretence of stretching his arms in the same direction and yawning, before successfully managing to put both arms around his dear husband and hugging him tightly. Ben felt a warm fuzzy feeling inside that he didn't think have anything to do with the nausea caused by Mrs Wrinkles.  

They moved to the in-limousine toilets rather swiftly after this spontaneous cuddle. After all, joining the Mile High Club had often been discussed between Ben and the man baby. Helen and Carver sniggered at the besotted couple attempting to hide the fact that they were both going into the tiny little room at the same time, although they were secretly slightly disappointed. You see, dear reader, both of them had a small inkling of a feeling that they would soon require the in-limousine toilets as well. For rather similar reasons. Mrs Wrinkles, on the other hand, was attempting to make blatant and horrible sexual suggestions to Bobolous and Biscuit.

"Hey babes, u up 4 a threesome now muah lol xxx? free 4 u hunny wiv added spatulas just coz I luv u both loadz lol xxxx"

"Mrs Wrinkles has been engaged in this degrading sexual advancing behaviour for many an hour now, Bobolous" Biscuit stated, all hints of a purr now obliterated, "and she seems to be under the impression that we two are currently experiencing a feeling of pleasure and enjoyment at the idea of an inter-species group sexual act between the three of us, more commonly known in urban settings as a threesome." 

"Awww, you're so cute Bizzy" Bobolous crooned, before snuggling the little cat into his chocolate bosom and ruffling her velvety ears.  

"So Helen...remember all those hours of walking back on L'Ile Maurice? Heh, I remember that panic attack of yours" "Oh do you HAVE to mention that? I was just worried about all my hard work during the expedition being in vain if we'd failed, you know that. I'm still ever so grateful to you for carrying my rucksack like that, it was...very chivalrous" Helen blushingly stated,

"It was nothing my dear, I could see that you needed help, I'm just sorry that I wasn't there to help you," 

"You left me with....her. I suppose all that male bonding you were doing with CoolRichie and Melonhead was a bit more important at the time?"

"Now you're just making me feel guilty. What on earth could I possibly do to make it up to you now?" Carver teased, "Well now you mention it....one or two ideas do suggest themselves at this moment in time"  

Carver was about to respond, but soon decided that leaning over and kissing her was a much better idea. Which was what he did, mere seconds after that last statement. This sort of behaviour went on for rather a while, until eventually the pizzazz draining forces shimmering greyly above them were becoming more thick and concentrated. All six of our heroes were exceedingly thankful for the protective influence of Mr and Mrs Wrinkles.  

Often in this novel, I have attempted to include certain autobiographical references, as has my counterpart. Now is the time, however, to state the differences between fact and fiction. It may astonish you to know that Carver is a real person. As is Helen, Ben, and CoolRichie and Melonhead, previously mentioned a few paragraphs ago. Helen and Carver did indeed join forces on an expedition to Mauritius, and Helen did indeed suffer from an unfortunate panic attack on the final day of walking, and Carver did happen to carry her rucksack for you. As for whether they have ever engaged in the activity they were currently engaged in during this part of the novel, your attentive author is sad to note that this has not yet happened. Ah well, we can still dream, eh? I know for a fact that my counterpart wouldn't say no to a little in-limousine tumble with the sexy-eyed creature himself. 

The limousine soon landed on the sleek white ground of Antarctica, with several rather bored looking penguins in grey lollipop lady outfits ready to signal the landing pad for any flying cars that may be paying the continent a visit. I must say, I'm surprised that the presifrog kept such an extravagance as lollipop ladies in this new bland world that he would soon rule supremely. Ben and the man baby reluctantly slouched out of the in-limousine toilets, Helen and Carver stopped, for lack of a better phrase, making out, while Biscuit and Bobolous sprinted out of the doors, pushing Mr Wrinkles in front of them, in a desperate attempt to separate themselves as far from Mrs Wrinkles as possible. All those four lovestruck people could do whatever they bloody well wanted with her, as long as they never had to go near that insane woman again, they both thought. 

Helen and Carver were soon striding ahead, hand in hand, with Mrs Wrinkles close enough behind them to keep them protected, and close enough in front of Ben and the man baby to keep them sufficiently protected. They were both appreciating the cuteness yet sheer madness of Helen and Carver's situation. After all, Carver had only been a man for a matter of hours, and he was already an item with one of the most amiable women in the world. Helen had won many beauty competitions in her time before her banishment, you see. She had once been a raging rock star, wanted by every fanboy in the country. She often wondered to herself if that was part of the reason as to why the presifrog wanted her out of the universe so badly.