Chapter Diglet

After having been rudely awoken yet again by that ridiculous Patricia Edwina Nora Ingrid Smith reading her name aloud from a piece of paper shaped like a snowflake, Diglet was roused from her slumber on a nearby rock, and, muttering various profanities in a variety of languages, made her way down to the river once again to wash.

She soon realised that this unfortunate young lady had been reduced to a repulsive grisly mess on the side of a runway, and chuckled to herself as she imagined the helpless squeak of the young bimbo as she was pulverized by the passing aircraft. Diglet had developed a very cruel and merciless sense of humour since her banishment; after all, this was what happened if you were left on your own for a number of years, with nobody to talk to. Even if you're psychic, the first thing to go is your tact, and realisation that other people just might have the odd feeling, and could sometimes be sensitive. Not that Diglet was aware of this for much of her life, she remembered often having little patience with the forgetful, the attention-seeking, and especially the weak. Occasionally she would feel remorse, but long gone were the days when she would feel even a smidgeon of remorse at insulting someone abominably.

Humming a Manic Street Preachers cover of Working Class Hero to herself, Diglet washed her face in the freezing cold water of the river, thinking of her walks in the mountains of Scotland, especially the one she took with her father when she jumped into a freezing waterfall for the first time. She remembered feeling as if she'd been punched in the chest, and after screeching like a banshee for a couple of minutes, she had soon grown to love the spine-chilling water lapping over her then-pale limbs as she swam across the little lagoon for a few minutes.

It was fond memories like these that kept Diglet going throughout the worst days, when her longing for some direct company was so awful she would find herself nibbling at her elbow skin (and she had lost count of the number of times people asked her how she did that back on Earth, it was a psychic thing, they wouldn't understand). She longed to talk to Ben again, to tell him more about the lemon, the betrayal of the presifrog, about the contents of Patricia's piece of paper...everything. More than all else, she had a burning desire to nibble that ear of his once again, even if it was only for a few seconds, she felt it would give her some comfort at such a difficult time. She was especially desperate to now, due to the importance of contacting him, since the lemon had escaped at such a young age, and had been carefully raised by that hypocritical presifrog, and now that he was almost fully grown, could cause such havoc and destruction in the world that Diglet had to bite down on her knuckles to stop herself laughing maniacally at the thought. She couldn't bear to have her dear friend Ben affected by this impending catastrophe, or any of the people she had once known and loved.

A sudden sound behind her startled Diglet beyond all logical thought for a split second, and she whipped around, before seeing...but no, she couldn't possibly be seeing...her cat. Despite all odds, all logic, all possible explanations to account for why she could possibly be there, Biscuit the cat was sitting looking up at her mistress, in that same slightly insane way she had always looked. Diglet's eyes filled with tears for a second, before scooping up her darling cat and pressing her face into her fur, sobbing with sheer surprise. She had to find out how Biscuit came to be here, for she was absolutely sure it was Biscuit, no other cat greeted her with that strange pigeon noise Diglet had heard from right behind her just then.

"Bissy, oh Bissy my little cat...where did you come from, my little kittenish kitty cat?"
"Kindly cease that inane babble, if you will ."

Diglet was so surprised she nearly dropped the cat, now frowning at her with slightly affronted and ridiculing eyes.
"Yes, I can talk in this world, hurrah and huzzah and all that" said Biscuit, in a matter of fact tone, "Good lord, the things I could talk to you about now if I wasn't feeling so inclined to be nice...all that business back in Dubai about dancing around your room, smashing into those walls, then pretending it was your brother when your mum came in to look..." - Diglet looked exceedingly embarassed, and tentatively stroked the cat, hoping to silence her....but did an empty world with only her and Biscuit for company mean that she had to tell the cat to be silent?
"You're...so much more intelligent than I could have ever thought, Bissy"
"Am I? Well I'll take that as a complim-" Biscuit stopped dead, tensing in Diglet's arms, before leaping to the floor, staring intently at a bush behind her. Diglet knelt down beside the cat, also looking at that same spot.
"....There's a bird in that bush....MEOWEOWEOWEOWEOWEOWEOW" - and with a strange yelping meow Biscuit pounced into the bush, thus causing the rather startled bird to make for the heavens, never looking back.
"Ugh...they ALWAYS do that, mistress. I could never quite get the hang of this whole 'hunting' shindig. Anyway, I suppose you want to know how I got here?" Diglet nodded, after completing her face-palm; evidently Biscuit was the same daft kitten she always was.

Biscuit indicated for Diglet to follow her, and soon the young mysterious short-haired woman and the little ginger cat made their way across the river, Diglet holding Biscuit well above the water of course, before trekking along the plains, in hope of finding a way out of this ghastly prison the presifrog had so cruelly shut Diglet into all those years ago. Soon they came across the enormous stone creation Diglet had always seen in the distance, which proved to be a larger-than-life granite representation of the Taj Mahal; the subtlety of intertwining parallel universes had always fascinated Diglet beyond belief, but there was no time for stopping and gawking; Biscuit the cat knew the way to free her from this godawful punishment, and she must waste no time in finding her dear Ben and telling him everything.

Throughout their long walk, Biscuit explained to her mistress how it was that she managed to find her way into this world. According to the little cat, it was through a window, similar to the ones that the genius of a man Phillip Pullman had mentioned in his novels, but it was a very small window, and Biscuit could only just fit her rather portly cat body through the gap. However, it was the best window the little cat could find, and perhaps her old mistress would find a way to enlarge the window. After coming through this window, Biscuit could smell the old scent of her mistress's questionable socks (for Biscuit was never sure if these were actually socks, rather than just sewn-together pieces of solidified mouldy sweat), and followed the scent avidly until she came across Diglet at the river.

After the explanation, they spent many an hour praising the beauty of this world; the vividness of the electric purple sky, with the crystal clear water dancing over the almost rainbow-coloured stones, like the most precious of opals. Diglet had picked up a few previously, in order to provide yet more strange and beautiful objects to present to the world, to show that she wasn't just pretending when it came to all the rather interesting stories she told.
"By the way, mistress, I have something here that I think you might like," The little cat coughed up a frighteningly large hairball, containing an...good god, it was an iPod. An iPod with that snazzy waterproof covering, to protect from the feline stomach acids, with some small but very powerful speakers. They spent the rest of that time picking up radio24 (and no, neither of them know even now how they managed to pick up an Earth internet radio in a parallel universe), and listening to the electro24 channel, doing strange humanoid/feline dance moves to all the pretty beepy electronic techno music. Rather bizarrely, Diglet suddenly didn't want to leave this world, if this was the kind of fun she could have with her little cat if her little cat could talk. She had to get back to Earth though, she missed Krispy Kreme far too much for silly thoughts like that to get in the way. They could just...sneak back through the little window, and continue this little rave if they felt like no one would notice they had gone.

After walking/dancing madly throughout the electric purple night, the suns rose, and the sky returned to it's usual turquoise. Biscuit climbed into a nearby cave, with Diglet ambly following; even put up against a cat, she really was a tank when it came to the great outdoors. The window was not very easy to spot, that was for sure. They decided to rest for a few hours before going through the window. Now that they had found it, they doubted it would go anywhere. After feeling around in a mad scramble for a while, Biscuit's paw found earthly air, and she turned to notify her mistress of this discovery, but Diglet was fast asleep. Biscuit watched her for a while, before curling up against her neck, and delving into a purring doze.

Meanwhile, back in our universe, Ben, the man baby, Carver, and Bobolous were half-heartedly keeping an eye out around the garden, searching for Biscuit the cat. Carver, however, was slightly preoccupied with his poker set, polishing each of the chips until they shined like a crown jewel. He offered the cards to the other three, and they gladly accepted, for a game of poker was always a good way to discuss things with straight faces.
"Biscuit's old mistress always used to tell me that she would disappear for several days something, I don't think we have anything to worry about in that respect" Ben said assuringly to Bobolous, "There's no need to worry about her....FULL HOUSE BABY"

They continued their game of poker well into the night, with Ben seemingly becoming luckier and luckier in his technique. Bobolous, Carver, and the man baby shuddered at the thought of how they might have actually been playing for money. The man baby even had to wipe away a frightened tear at the thought. They went to bed soon after that, still managing to curse Ben through their yawning, and thick sleepy talk. As Ben drifted off to sleep, he thought he could feel a presence by his ear he vaguely remembered feeling....before he met the man baby. He leapt upwards, taking care not to wake the man baby, and sensed the presence by his left ear. He followed it left, feeling awkwardly in the dark, before his hand met something soft, something warm...something...alive.
"Honestly Ben, the first part of me you touch in nearly 20 years just had to be one of my boobs, eh?" whispered a voice from right in front of him. Ben jumped backwards in alarm, before being hurriedly shushed by that clear, articulate, mysterious yet so beautifully familiar voice, and told to follow the voice outside. He followed the darting shadow into the garden, before a garden lamp was hurriedly thrown on.

And there she was. She had aged so well, as he knew she always would. Her hair was longer, but he was sure she'd get it cut quite soon now that she was back. She had a few tattoos on her now, as well as the odd new piercing, but he couldn't make out any more than that in the dark. He could see her face though, her warm loving smile, her twinkling brown eyes. She was really there, every bit of her, his dear old friend from the days of moderating a forum, dancing around drunkenly at rock festivals, exploring haunted houses. All the memories rushed back to him all at once as he held his arms out towards Diglet, and hugged and hugged and hugged her. She nibbled his ear briefly, before throwing her arms around him too, laughing at the shocked but rather soppy expression on his face.
"Now, Boodle...I think the time has come for you to hear some sort of explanation. I found Bissy, by the way, you've got to be more careful with where she is, she can go wandering off to the strangest of places."