Chapter 1

Our vast discombobulated world holds many vast discombobulated creatures, with vast discombobulated mouths. One such creature would be the strange women of the valleys, using the arts of word abbreviation and loud high-pitched squealing in order to attract a mate, intimidate other women of the valleys or predators, and to appear dominant. The mates that these women try to attract are usually not interested in what they have to offer, and spend the majority of their time mimicking the arts of word abbreviation and loud high-pitched squealing in order to attract their own kind. This kind of behaviour has been labelled by our somewhat unforgiving cold society as “gay”.

Vast discombobulated mouths are a fundamental part of nature, it seems, and creatures such as the wide-mouthed tree frog and the basking shark would be the obvious examples of such beauty. The most majestic and beautiful of all, however, must surely be the almighty whale shark. The whale shark, which travels thousands of miles each year, all over our worlds oceans, filter feeds throughout its life, its mouth wide open, ready to receive.

In the quiet suburban town in which our story begins, the word “gay” plays a large part in the conception of the revolutionary creature which first appeared in this very town. This creature is known as the “man baby”, and has been the subject of much folklore, and occasional songs. Naturally, the man baby had a troubled childhood, unsure of what he was, let alone who he was. Every day was a struggle for him, as he toyed with the hair of his Barbie dolls, and wondered aimlessly why he was teased for having two fathers. Wasn’t it the ‘natural way of things’?

Weeks passed, months passed, and still he searched for the solution to his perplexing dilemma, with a growing sense of loneliness and self hatred. Until he met the very proof that there was nothing the matter with him. When he met Ben everything changed for the little man baby. Never before had he felt so loved or understood. They shared many a day together strolling in the fields of Somerset, which his beloved Ben called “Hot Fuzz Land”. Listening to his beloved’s soothing Hot Fuzz-esque voice, and thinking of the many days they will spend skipping hand in hand through the soft sweet-smelling grass made the man baby happier than his little heart could have ever dreamed.

They spent many years this way, in blissful happiness, until eventually; the man baby's advances caused Ben to become with amphibian. Many scientists, biologists, and life coaches have failed to come up with a liable solution as to why a man would be carrying an amphibian in his hypothetical uterus, but until the relevant scientific methods and technology have been discovered this bizarre series of events will remain a mystery to our ever-learning civilization. The pregnancy terminated successfully, and Ben chose to deliver his mystery amphibian via water-birth, so that the new arrival may adapt to living on both land and water, smoothly and easily. Labour pains began at 4 in the morning, on April 8th, 1992. The man baby spent many sleepless hours squeezing his beloved's shaking hand, as the contractions began to overwhelm him. The birth itself was smooth and rapid, and Ben and the man baby gazed in adoration at the small creature nestled at Ben's breast. They had produced the most majestic, beautiful wide mouthed treefrog known to this universe, with a speckled coat of many different colours, glistening in the strobe lighting of the hospital, and round shining eyes, like glittering black gems. The man baby and Ben took their new arrival back to their humble treehouse abode a matter of days later, as slight complications arose with the frog's tendency to swallow everything in it's reach, including the fingers and various other anatomical parts of its parents.

Over the next 12 years, the frog grew steadily, with its loving fathers by its side wherever it went, developing more and more of a keen sense of right and wrong throughout it's life, and often proclaiming the stupidity of the world loudly in public places, as well as heated political debates with his fellows at froggery, amphimary school, and froggery school. By the time he reached frogiversity, he was set to become the worlds most diverse and groundbreaking politician, and sure enough, he lived up to all the expectations of his teachers, family, and friends. At the ripe young age of 16, the frog became the Presifrog of the United States of America, and solved the hitherto troublesome economic crisis that our frail world was teetering on the edge of during the troubled year of 2008.

The proud parents of this highly successful amphibian continued to reside in their small suburban town, still strolling in their now-familiar fields, as their quiet laughter and whispered nothings floated across the meadows, drifting with the wind, as if the entire countryside was filled with their low melodious lovestruck voices. After the birth of their frog, Ben's pregnancy cravings for chocolate never seemed to ebb away as was usual with expecting mothers/fathers, and his cravings grew stronger and stronger. The man baby was sick at the heart to see his beloved suffering when they had run out of chocolate, so he came up with a revolutionary idea; a mighty chocolate factory, the likes of which had never been seen before.

Ben's eyes filled with joyous tears as the man baby put this idea into voice, and together they worked tirelessly, day and night, extending their treehouse into a labyrinth of underground and overground tunnels, filled to the brim with never-before-seen inventions. The factory was said to rival that of Mr Willy Wonka, of the Roald Dahl collection, and heavy lawsuits were to follow, as well as tabloid accusations about illicit affairs occuring between Mr Willy Wonka, Ben, and the man baby, titles such as "Wonka Can't Get Enough Willy" or "Three's a Crowd in a Chocolate Factory, Especially With The Large Hot Tubs of Melted Chocolate Lying Around". Naturally, these were media-driven rumours, endorsed by the ever-present Youtube, and many tiresome magazines desperately scrounging for something worthwhile to print in their next issue.

Thus, Ben and the man baby were driven into hiding for many years, and the chocolate factory became a thing of the past. Until the man baby came up with another one of his grand ideas. This grand idea would bring a whole new meaning to the word chocolate, a new meaning to Darwinism, a new meaning to the theory of evolution, a new meaning to life itself. The man baby had the power within him to make chocolate come alive. He channelled this power through a large food processor, and began to weave a momentous new creation. As the man baby was a great appreciator of all things vast and discombobulated, he chose the elementary option for a tribute to this phenomenon. An enormous chocolate whale shark, life size, and perfectly realistic in every manner (aside from the humanoid characteristics which occurred from an unplanned extra shot of liqueur, secretly added by his beloved Ben). It took elaborate stretches of time for the man baby to even finish the tail, such was the grand scale of this immense project.

Due to the difficulty of distinguishing between reality and fiction, the Delorean car featured in popular science-fiction films Back to the Future rather usefully appeared underneath Ben and just above the man baby. After this rather awkward event was sorted out, and excuses were made for the whereabouts of Ben and the man baby themselves, they couldn't help but notice that this Delorean car could, in fact, do what the Delorean car in Back to the Future could. Unbeknownst to the rest of the world, the man baby worked tirelessly, into the previous few seconds of his work, desperate to finish the momentous project before his longing for Ben's warm embrace took over his senses.

After 5 entire minutes, stretching endlessly into the eons of space and time, pushing the very boundaries of physics, biology, and various other clever-sounding subjects, the man baby managed to create a life size, talking, walking/swimming/flailing whale shark. At first, the man baby believed he had failed, and his heart sank as his gargantuan creation lay motionless on his chocolate-shaving-strewn workshop. After using several cranes and a large slingshot, he managed to place the whale shark in a more lively situation, in hope for it to come alive. The nightclub which he chose was designed by an expatriate by Dubai, so needless to say, it was ridiculously large. The man baby hoped to himself that a loud intense situation such as this would be enough to shock the whale shark into life. This spontaneous thought of the man baby's did the trick, and tears of joy similar to his beloved's welled up in the man baby's eyes, before rapidly freezing to a halt when the whale shark gave him the finger. Apparently clubbing was not one of the whale shark's particular favourite pastimes.

The man baby carried his wondrous creation back to his maze of treehouse tunnels and buildings carelessly held up by stilts, before climbing onto the Pride Rock which had, similarly to the Delorean, appeared directly in front of his beloved's crotch, almost as if a large unseen force of nature was trying to stop them from misbehaving. As the man baby clamboured onto Pride Rock, he heard African chants steadily rising in volume, before a glorious cry of "AAAAAALUWENYAAAAAAMAMACHINIVAVAA" filled the air in a glorious and nostalgic moment. In what would probably be the proudest moment of his previously insignificant and pointless existence, the man baby proudly held up his creation for the world to see, his hands trembling as he lifted the colossal creature up to the light, showing him the world, and all it's beauty. He dubbed the whale shark Bobulus Olgart Orangette Briar Saint. And it is with this very chocolate whale shark....that our epic story now begins...