"sexy girl on cam for you now, pay 2 see more of my wet jiggling yet somewhat sagging titties now 4 cash, lol xxx im so wet and horny 4 u right now" - declared the old lady, demure and timid in appearance, but seemingly with all the testosterone and oestrogen of a rampaging male rhinocerous in heat. Helen ignored an uprising heave from her very unlucky stomach and with enormous effort blocked out the advances and turned to Mr Wrinkles.
"We would like you to accompany us on an..er..expedition, if you will, to explore the lands of the south. I understand that you have lived through many wars and have seen many places on our good earth become scarred and changed beyond recognition by wars, tragedy, global catastrophes, and political cover ups,"
"Well yes, that is true dearie, but I do think that my wife and I are a little old and feeble for such an idea. Thank you ever so for offering though" Mr Wrinkles quavered in a frail little voice,
"Oh naturally sir, but wouldn't you like to receive confirmation that this is a place that has never changed? Throughout ALL your years of life?"
Mr Wrinkles attempted to ponder this for a few fleeting seconds. It would be nice to see something that he knew would be exactly the way it was when he was nothing but a mere babe in a manger. And his dear baby sister, may she rest, always said that he should get out more, and get some good earthy exercise into those bones. A proud tear edged it's way out of the old man's eye, and trickled shyly down his face.
"Very well, Miss...er..."
"My name is not important. Just call me....."
"I'M BEN AND SHE'S HELEN!" yelled Ben, hoping to gloat to Helen later about being the first to introduce them. Helen, once again, responded to this behaviour with a mandatory face-palm.
"Well Miss Helen, my wife and I would be delighted to accompany you on this lovely little visit. I would ask my wife's opinion, but back in my day women were considered spawn of the devil, don't you know. Such a peaceful and non-conflicting world we lived in back then, when everybody did as they were told, not this silly anarchy that happens today on the streets, in the alleys, in uteruses during illicit conceptions..."
"Yes I quite agree Mr Wrinkles, but we must depart now in order to...catch the car."
"Ah yes, of course, of course..." Ben and Helen then bundled the slow fussy old man and his horrifically perverted wife into the limousine waiting expectantly outside. Mrs Wrinkles continued to deliver unspeakably disgusting offers to everybody present in the limousine, and this time, not even Carver was willing to pay her for her services. Instead of this, he proceeded to stare intently at Helen's thigh, his long fingers itching to just reach out and grab it. But he knew he mustn't. Ben would kill him if he tried anything.
They sailed once again over the Mediterranean sea, but with a rather unexpected companion. Yes, dear reader, Sammy the mad murderous whale shark was clinging to the axles of the car, humming the Titanic theme to herself, and throwing her underpants onto the on-sea stage where Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention had moved into their reggae-influenced version of Stairway to Heaven, before proceeding to talk about all the innuendo related to falling into a burning ring of fire. Back in the interior of the limousine, Helen once again wiped away a tear, but was this time comforted by Carver putting an arm around her shoulders, with a steely look from Ben. He would certainly be rather furious with Carver if he tried anything with his Helen; HE was the gay best friend, and HE called the shots about who she ended up with. He would rather that Helen did not end up with a man with severe citric problems, he feared that despite her immensely strong soul, Helen's heart was simply too large and accepting to realise the injustice of having to put up with such a threat in her life.
He soon moved onto thinking about crumpets with Dijon mustard, because Helen then psychically told him to stop worrying about her; she was a big girl now, and could look after herself, and as much as she loved him and respected his concern for her safety, she would prefer it if she called the shots, rather than adhering to the whole "gay best friend" theory. She also thought it would be a good idea to reverse that little psychic trick she'd played around with in the other universe, and bring Carver to his proper age, so that she wouldn't feel too guilty about any later events that may occur between them in the near future.
Carver's arm was slowly, very slowly, inching downwards towards her inclining waist, longing to hold her even more tightly, but he was indeed wary. As Helen's little psychic trick undid itself, Carver felt a sudden plucking feeling in his abdomen, before realising that he was several years older, and turning to Bobolous with an immense grin on his face. HE WAS A MAN NOW. Bobolous' eyes filled with proud yet rather unnecessary tears at the thought of his dear friend finally being granted the manhood that he so thoroughly deserved.
The man baby, on the other hand, had slowly moved across the limousine's interior, seating himself next to Ben. Ever since Helen had come along, as much as he loved her company, and respected her as a person, he had often felt resentful at the amount of attention she was paid by Ben. The man baby knew that it was nothing more than a friendship, of course. He took the pretence of stretching his arms in the same direction and yawning, before successfully managing to put both arms around his dear husband and hugging him tightly. Ben felt a warm fuzzy feeling inside that he didn't think have anything to do with the nausea caused by Mrs Wrinkles.
They moved to the in-limousine toilets rather swiftly after this spontaneous cuddle. After all, joining the Mile High Club had often been discussed between Ben and the man baby. Helen and Carver sniggered at the besotted couple attempting to hide the fact that they were both going into the tiny little room at the same time, although they were secretly slightly disappointed. You see, dear reader, both of them had a small inkling of a feeling that they would soon require the in-limousine toilets as well. For rather similar reasons. Mrs Wrinkles, on the other hand, was attempting to make blatant and horrible sexual suggestions to Bobolous and Biscuit.
"Hey babes, u up 4 a threesome now muah lol xxx? free 4 u hunny wiv added spatulas just coz I luv u both loadz lol xxxx"
"Mrs Wrinkles has been engaged in this degrading sexual advancing behaviour for many an hour now, Bobolous" Biscuit stated, all hints of a purr now obliterated, "and she seems to be under the impression that we two are currently experiencing a feeling of pleasure and enjoyment at the idea of an inter-species group sexual act between the three of us, more commonly known in urban settings as a threesome."
"Awww, you're so cute Bizzy" Bobolous crooned, before snuggling the little cat into his chocolate bosom and ruffling her velvety ears.
"So Helen...remember all those hours of walking back on L'Ile Maurice? Heh, I remember that panic attack of yours" "Oh do you HAVE to mention that? I was just worried about all my hard work during the expedition being in vain if we'd failed, you know that. I'm still ever so grateful to you for carrying my rucksack like that, it was...very chivalrous" Helen blushingly stated,
"It was nothing my dear, I could see that you needed help, I'm just sorry that I wasn't there to help you,"
"You left me with....her. I suppose all that male bonding you were doing with CoolRichie and Melonhead was a bit more important at the time?"
"Now you're just making me feel guilty. What on earth could I possibly do to make it up to you now?" Carver teased, "Well now you mention it....one or two ideas do suggest themselves at this moment in time"
Carver was about to respond, but soon decided that leaning over and kissing her was a much better idea. Which was what he did, mere seconds after that last statement. This sort of behaviour went on for rather a while, until eventually the pizzazz draining forces shimmering greyly above them were becoming more thick and concentrated. All six of our heroes were exceedingly thankful for the protective influence of Mr and Mrs Wrinkles.
Often in this novel, I have attempted to include certain autobiographical references, as has my counterpart. Now is the time, however, to state the differences between fact and fiction. It may astonish you to know that Carver is a real person. As is Helen, Ben, and CoolRichie and Melonhead, previously mentioned a few paragraphs ago. Helen and Carver did indeed join forces on an expedition to Mauritius, and Helen did indeed suffer from an unfortunate panic attack on the final day of walking, and Carver did happen to carry her rucksack for you. As for whether they have ever engaged in the activity they were currently engaged in during this part of the novel, your attentive author is sad to note that this has not yet happened. Ah well, we can still dream, eh? I know for a fact that my counterpart wouldn't say no to a little in-limousine tumble with the sexy-eyed creature himself.
The limousine soon landed on the sleek white ground of Antarctica, with several rather bored looking penguins in grey lollipop lady outfits ready to signal the landing pad for any flying cars that may be paying the continent a visit. I must say, I'm surprised that the presifrog kept such an extravagance as lollipop ladies in this new bland world that he would soon rule supremely. Ben and the man baby reluctantly slouched out of the in-limousine toilets, Helen and Carver stopped, for lack of a better phrase, making out, while Biscuit and Bobolous sprinted out of the doors, pushing Mr Wrinkles in front of them, in a desperate attempt to separate themselves as far from Mrs Wrinkles as possible. All those four lovestruck people could do whatever they bloody well wanted with her, as long as they never had to go near that insane woman again, they both thought.
Helen and Carver were soon striding ahead, hand in hand, with Mrs Wrinkles close enough behind them to keep them protected, and close enough in front of Ben and the man baby to keep them sufficiently protected. They were both appreciating the cuteness yet sheer madness of Helen and Carver's situation. After all, Carver had only been a man for a matter of hours, and he was already an item with one of the most amiable women in the world. Helen had won many beauty competitions in her time before her banishment, you see. She had once been a raging rock star, wanted by every fanboy in the country. She often wondered to herself if that was part of the reason as to why the presifrog wanted her out of the universe so badly.
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