As we reach the necessary fifty thousand words needed to make this novel truly something special, you may notice that many conclusions will be drawn and relationships will blossom like something that blossoms. A flower may be an example.
However, if you have been brave enough to read this far, you will have noticed that certain things may remain unexplained. If you are confused as to anything, please go onto your email provider, and open a new email. Send it to the email address I am psychically telling you to send it to asking any questions. If you do not receive an answer, it is because you are not good enough to pick up the psychic vibes. Shame on you - you fail.
Our group had just spent a night cuddled in a large group of penguins, in the middle of the thousands for warmth. They had made sure Mr and Mrs Wrinkles were in the middle and the reason for this was twofold. Firstly, they needed to keep the magnificent duo warm. Secondly, they had to try and gather around so that Mrs Wrinkles would not sexually advance on any of the penguins. Thirdly, and most importantly, the reasons for this was twofold, thus you will not get a third point.
As daybreak came, everyone awoke from their slumber. Penguins all around were making penguin noises, so ridiculously penguiny not even the most penguiny penguin would possibly publicly comprehend the sheer penguinity of this penguiny group. You heard me. They were some loud penguins.
“Ugh. Let’s get out of here, I didn’t sleep a wink last night. All those members of the order Sphenisciformes family Spheniscisae. Only a devout ornithologist would take pleasure in being in our predicament.” Biscuit purred.
“You so silly, Bizzy!” Everyone except Mrs Wrinkles said in scary unison.
“Bizzy wanna cam lol xxx” Mrs Wrinkles asked.
“Oh gosh.” Helen had realised something “Mrs Wrinkles just said Bizzy. I think the soul of the cambot and hers are fusing together. Soon enough they may be one inseparable being.”
“I hope not!” Mr Wrinkles lied.
“Well, we have to get on with saving the world for now, we can rescue Mrs Wrinkles later.” Ben told everyone.
It was after they all escaped the sea of penguins that they all saw that in the direction of south was a large snowstorm. They decided all they could do was to sit down and wait for it to pass, seeing as south was the only way they could go, and they had no idea how much further they needed to trek.
They all sat in a very large circle. Overnight, Sammy seemed to have become a completely different whale shark. She insisted on playing patty cake and baking ice cookies. However, the rest were adamant on discussing more pressing matters, by playing “Reveal your secret.”, a game invented by the very nosy Ben.
“I was once so desperate to file my nails, I made a chocolate nail file. I failed.” The man baby told everyone. “I pick… Bobolous next!
“I… have a crush on Sammy…” Bobolous turned redder than a very red thing, and the only surprised face was that belonging to Sammy. “erm. I pick… Mr Wrinkles next.”
“Checkmate?” Mr Wrinkles had failed to grasp the concept of the game. “I pick the cat.”
“Biscuit dearest.” Biscuit informed the old man. “And I declare that my deepest darkest secret is that I have a higher Intelligence Quotient than Albert Einstein himself! The internet told me, so it must be true.” Biscuit was met by a few people claiming “ Bizzy is so silleh” Before choosing Sammy to go next.
“Well” Said Sammy “I may have an tiny crush on Bobolous…” Both of the whale sharks looked at each other nervously, before turning away. “Hmm. My next pick is Ben!”
“Secrets, secrets, secrets. Ben repeated. This one time, my
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and then it just went away.” Helen finished telling her deep secret, a five minute silence followed to shocked faces. Nobody knew that Ben and Helen could have secrets not even the most secretive person would dream of. “I pick Mrs Wrinkles”.
“Hey bbz my secret is my bf dumped me lol will strip for revenge.” the old lady informed everyone else.
Carver was the only one left with a secret to tell. He had been sitting down very nervously and knew that it was now his turn to tell everyone about himself.
“Well, I might as well let you all know.” Carver took a deep breath and began telling the epic journey of his life in recent months. “It all began when I moved to the United Kingdom. I had had a very odd childhood by which I had somehow lost many years and retained my youth. Many claimed that this was because I went swimming in the fountain of youth when I was younger. So I moved here for an education. I needed one, after all, since with the youth came extensive memory loss.
When I moved, however, odd things started happening. My skin took this yellow tinge, which you may see now. I carry around a large box of make up to cover myself from it. The doctor told me that it was a side effect of the medicine I was taking for a flu I had. It was okay, I just thought I’d have to deal with it for the time being and that it would go away for good.
A few nights after the trip to the doctor, it was a full moon. It was large and beautiful. Low in the sky. I had gone to do some late night shopping, you see, I was getting great urges for lemons.
As you may know, it is not in my nature to look people directly in the eyes anyway, because I was finding people when they looked into my eyes were dropping things and asking me for my number. I assumed that the yellowness of my skin somehow complimented the deep blue lakes of my eyes, so I stopped looking people directly in the eye.
That night I was shopping, I looked at the full moon and then accidentally looked on at the old cashier woman, directly into the eyes. She did the usual thing of looking like she was swimming in a pool of honey. But afterwards, she took on a peculiar form. She had to sit down. The shop was empty save us two, and it looked like she was fainting. So I went to the phone to call for help, but as I looked onto the old lady, she had gone. Wondering if she had fallen onto the floor, I went over. She wasn’t on the floor. There was a lemon in her place. I was scared. I dropped everything and picked up the lemon. I ran home, faster than ever.
When I got home, I put the lemon on the side. I felt I needed to get it back to life, but I simply couldn’t. Google told me nothing about old ladies turning into lemons after staring at them directly in the eyes. And Google, as we all know, knows everything.”
Carver needed to take a deep breath and drink some of the melted ice before going on. Each and every person, man baby, whale shark, cat and cambotlady were looking on with wide, intrigued eyes.
“Do carry on.” Ben told Carver. “What happened to the lady? What does this mean for us now? How can we help?”
“Alright. So that night I looked into the mirror. When I looked, I saw one of my blue eyes, like you see now. But I also saw a yellow eye. It was such a rich, honey, golden yellow. I found myself drawn to it, and my skin started turning even more yellow. Thankfully, I looked away in time.
I was up all night trying to help the lemon lady, to no avail. But at the sun rose, the lemon started to take the form of the lady. And I noted that as the moon disappeared from the sky, she became fully human. Understandably, she was very confused. Anyone would have been, so she ran off. I looked in the mirror and saw my eyes were restored to their blue tinge once again.
So I went to the contact lens shop and bought blur contacts to cover the yellow for the next time, if there was a next time. I still had yet to discover why it all happened, and as I went to school I was very nervous, I felt I was keeping secrets from everyone, especially you Bobolous.
So a few weeks passed, and the yellowness did not return. But as I was lying in bed one day, I heard a knock at my door. I went to answer it and I was faced by the presifrog. The presifrog was at my door. He asked if he could come in, and of course I obliged. Why wouldn’t I, after all he was the saviour of the economy and world poverty. He told me to take a seat. And he informed me that what was to happen next I must keep in strictest of confidence.
What happened next is extremely blurry. It almost feels like a dream, and I convinced myself I was dreaming it, or at least bits of it until a few days later. I was told that I had assumed the form of a half lemon man. The presifrog told me that this had happened because he had opened up the door to another universe, and my doppelganger had escaped. But we now know that the presifrog wanted the doppelganger to drain the world of it’s pizzazz.
Into the room walked the likeness of me. His name was Le-Mon and he looked so similar to me, but he lacked a certain something. A certain pizzazz. The presifrog told me that when things escape into other universes, odd things happen as a consequence. I mean, look at Mrs Wrinkles and how much she’s changed because of the cambot escaping it’s universe. So as this Le-Mon escaped, him and I both took on half of the form of an object exactly in between both of us, in our case it was a lemon tree.”
“Hey bbz I can put lemons up my vagina wanna see 4 cash?”
“Not now, Mrs Wrinkles! Carver, carry on.” Helen proceeded to give Mrs Wrinkles evils.
“Yeah… and the presifrog asked me if I wanted to help him. He said he had a plan, and to succeed I would have to do stuff for him. One of them was to help him put my doppelganger on a pole by his butt. When I asked why, the presifrog would not answer. So I said I had had enough. I didn’t want to be part of this elaborate plot. I stood up and went to leave the room but Le-Mon, who wall still yet to speak, took hold of my arm and dragged me down the stairs into the basement where he tied me up. Then Le-Mon took my place in school for a few days whilst the presifrog and I tried to come to some form of agreement.
After a few days, the agreement was reached. I promised to tell nobody anything about the evil plan. That’s why I was so reluctant to tell you all the whole story. He said he would kidnap me again if I were to say anything, and would provide me with a lifetime supply of blue contacts and lemons if I agreed.
Then he freed me. And as the presifrog led me out, I passed Patricia Edwina Nora Ingrid Smith. She was complaining about the lack of a boutique within a mile radius of where she was going to stay. The presifrog told me to tell the school that she had gone to study Paris-Hilton-ology. He told me that Patricia had seen too much and needed to be kept for a while, and that she would return.
Well, we know she never returned, but she managed to somehow save the secrets of pizzazz and thus indirectly help us save the world, despite not looking both ways on the runway.
When I came back one night, the positron, Le-Mon and Patricia had all left without a trace. I was busy repairing the mess Patricia had made by playing the game where she pretended she was a bulldozer or something like that. I thought that from then on everything would be okay. But the presifrog and Le-Mon had an evil plan. I never thought the presifrog was like that.
Bobolous, that’s why that night I couldn’t look you in the eyes. It was for your own good. One of my eyes would turn you into a lemon, the other, especially on a full moon, would have made you fall in love with me. I couldn’t risk having a lemon stalker.
But I needed to escape. I didn’t feel safe or happy in that house where I had been tied up for days. Plus it was cold because that Patricia somehow managed to break all of the windows. That’s why I hid in your bag to join you in Dubai. I wanted to avoid the mess back at home. And I’m glad I came with you, because I’ve met this glorious woman, and my best friends for life. Seriously, I love you guys so much. You mean everything to…”
“I luv you Carver bbz so much u get a FREE DISCOUNT between 3 and 4am tonite. Ill be on cam waitin k?”
Mrs Wrinkles naturally had to pitch in to ruin the moment.
“Wow, Carver. I understand why you couldn’t tell us about any of that. It’s extremely complex, that’s why I could never get your story through my psychic connections. But a full moon is due tomorrow night. Carver, we cannot risk looking into your eyes then. Have you bought contact lenses”
“Oh no. I let then at home. Damn. What will we do??”
“Hmm. Well, there must be a way to reverse the curse.” Ben said “And we can’t get Le-Mon back to the other universe because we’re not near him and we don’t know how to. Let’s see if the snowflake paper contains any information on how to revert a person from a half human form into their normal one. And thank you for telling us that, Carver. It makes everything so much clearer.”
Ben and Helen got out the snowflake and found a section which seemed to be conveniently titled “How to revert a person back to their human form when alternate universes have messed them up” Very luckily. However, the section was unclear. Bits which were important were missing.
The two psychics, using all of their powers deduced that Carver would have to lose something which could never be gained. This mystery had stumped all, except Mrs Wrinkles.
Mrs Wrinkles was still aware, her brain fogged by the cambot spirit. She knew the answer to the puzzle, but it was hard to get the answer out. She knew that she could say certain words in context. Certain human words, as she now had gained more control over her speech. Mrs Wrinkles, trapped, felt that this really was her time to shine. She knew that she could save everyone from being turned into a lemon by Carver.
“bbz!” she forced out.
“Oh, be quiet, Mrs Wrinkles! Ben and Helen are trying to figure this out.” the man baby glared at the old lady.
“BBZ I needs u…” She was struggling to get her words out. But she knew she needed to. For the good of mankind. For if these people were to be turned into lemons, they could never save the world from the pizzazz sucking monsters.
“Shut. UP. Mrs Wrinkles seriously.” Biscuit purred.
“no. I need u 2...” she needed to say listen. Then they might listen. “li…sten” The words were so hard for her to let out. “2 me” and then she had to retreat back to her cambot voice “bbz cam lol pussy wet 4 u xxx lactating lol boobs”.
“Guys, I sense something.” Helen was confused. “I think she’s trying to tell us something.”
That was the motivation Mrs Wrinkles needed . She knew they were all listening to her seriously now.
“BBZ! Ya listen lol xxx” Getting the words out exhausted her “Carver… need 2... Cam with me lol xxx… NO… Carver… need 2... Lose… Virginity!” She felt victorious. Mrs Wrinkles had gotten the words out. She then relaxed and went back to asking Sammy if she wanted to pay for sexual favours.
“Oh my gosh!” Ben jumped up. “Of course, it all fits. Mrs Wrinkles and her sexually twisted mind are right. Carver needs to lose his virginity to release the lemon essence back into the alternate universe.
“=o” Said Carver, before a huge grin spread over his face.
“=o” repeated Helen, before a huger grin spread on her face. The two lovers looked at each other and decided not to waste any time. Carver really wanted to squirt his lemon juices away and off into the other universe.
Helen took Carver by the hand and led him into an igloo which Sammy had been building whilst Carver told of his story. Bobolous, the man baby, Mrs Wrinkles, Biscuit, Ben and Mr Wrinkles promised each other never to speak of what happened that night in the igloo. Certain things are best left never spoken of, they all agreed, like the oddly shaped bite mark on the fin of a certain chocolate whale shark.
The things they heard and once accidentally caught a glimpse of were so explicit, not even in this book will they be mentioned, or the writers would no doubt be thrown into a jail for the remainder of their lives.
An hour later, the igloo had melted from inside. Yellow clouds had been released into the air and were floating to the nearest door to escape into the other universe where they belong. Out of the igloo walked a grinning Carver followed by a grinning Helen. Carver’s skin was no longer yellow. It was tanned and the colour it has always been. He walked with great confidence to the rest of the group, who found the moment to be extremely awkward. They did not dare ask anything about what had happened in the igloo.
“Carver! You’re better now! You look so much less lemon coloured.” Bobolous said in delight.
“I feel better too.” Carver smiled.
“Hey bbz giv me money becuz I rock.” Mrs Wrinkles somehow escaped the robotic movements to force a smile.
Joy overcame all of the people and animals that day, and the storm which had been keeping them from exploring was now very much settled. They all emulated pizzazz and hugged each other. Bobolous and Sammy, when everybody was busy celebrating, shared their first kiss. Then they were officially a couple. Mr and Mrs Wrinkles sat down, hand in hand, and realised that tomorrow would be their 120th wedding anniversary. Carver and Helen lay and looked up to the stars which were now revealing themselves. And Biscuit, feeling lonely, went and got a penguin to cuddle next to.
Meanwhile, the Le-Mon had just felt everything Carver had, so was now extremely tired. And as Le-Mon stopped to rest, a cloud of lemon rose above him. This temporarily stopped the pizzazz forces. This was lucky for our heroes and heroines, for it was only a matter of hours from when they woke up the next morning until the pizzazz draining forces would spread past Antarctica, and would engulf whole cultures, ruining their landscapes and traditions, turning ancient golden artefacts into boring brown mud. For the forces of pizzazz, if they were to spread that far, would require more than one lava lamp to stop them. And there were no lava lamps nearby. They could only risk, therefore, having Antarctica engulfed by these forces. This was a matter of urgency.
But for now, the couples slept under the almost full moon, the surrounding area silent, except for the continuous echo which had saved the day.
“Hey bbz. Wanna cam?”, Mrs Wrinkles mumbed in her sleep.
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